Monday, December 22, 2014

Thoughts...

Here we are and its almost a new year.

My mind is going a bit crazy.

I had my annual review today.  And my manager asked how things were going and if I was applying to anything this year.

I got ready to explain how I was going to just stick with the PA route and I couldn't wrap my head around it.

I still cant shake my need to apply to medical school.

I cant shake the fear that I am going to be unsatisfied with a PA degree.

I started thinking about that dang MCAT again.

How did I end up here again.

As I sit here stressed out over the holiday season and next to nothing finances I just cant get my mind to go in the right direction.

I think PA school is the smart choice
- lower cost
- shorter program
- great job outlook
- decent pay for the amount of training

I just want to scream. 

I can still work on both at this time.  I am just going to have to beat this freaking test.

I need an MCAT study partner.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Post holiday drags...

So after a long weekend and over indulging on pecan pie, we are back to the grind.

I shadowed two additional PA's the Tuesday before the holidays. I really enjoyed the experience.  I like how much time they get to spend with the patients and both ladies were totally different but equally great. 

I registered for AP I at the community college.    I was going to do Pre-Cal so I can get my Bio degree, but unfortunately could only afford the AP class at this time.  Maybe if there is some space later in the month I can look into it.  

I am not looking forward to heading to Job 2 today. I am so freaking sleeping from getting up early to make it to the gym.  I am already planning on how quick I can get in the bed when I get home tonight. :)

Well that's about it.   Slow progress, but progress non the less. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

PA option still in play

I'm shadowing a PA today.  He is very nice and super informative.  He seems to have similar input and pros/cons about the profession that I have heard before.  

I am going to go by the community college tomorrow since I am off my studio work for a week.  Hopefully I can register and get on a payment plan for classes.  I have not even considered the price for books (ugh).   This will definitely be a rental situation where applicable.  The lab books may not have that option. 

 I am going to try and do the math today to see if it's worth re-doing o-Chem.  

For PA school they average the two scores.  For DO application I think they replace one grade.    

Not a lot else going on...
Work is the same.  My doc is out of office for a week so my days are going to be long, but Tuesday I will be busy shadowing again so that will help.  

Been working out, but have to do it like 4:30 on the morning, which makes for sleepy evenings.  

That's about it.  I am just ready to start making progress.   I am coming up on my second anniversary of the journey and unfortunately I am a bit behind of my goals.  But I can still succeed in some capacity I just have to stay diligent and resist complacency.  

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Driving fast and getting no where...


I cant believe its almost December.  This year has flown by.

Its been almost 2 years since I started this journey.

I sometimes feel like I have stalled especially since I did not get into that post bacc program, and I did not apply this year.

anywho...

My progress.

school.
- my local community college has open registration 11/22/14. 
Probablly going to register on  payday 11/28/14, hope there are some classes left.  I am going to have to take AP I all day Saturday or Monday & Wednesday night.

I started to toss around the idea of retaking O-chem because I got a C in the lecture and A in the lab, but for some reason they don't combine those grades like most, so I have C in one my pre-reqs.  So it could be replaced by the time I apply next year if I retake it in the fall.  Not sure about this option yet. There are fewer evening options, and no Saturday options.

The plan.
I did not take the MCAT last week,  I ended up breaking out in hives AGAIN the weekend before that lasted most of the week.  My allergist thinks I may have an allergy to ASA & NSAIDs exacerbated by stress.   The first time I had it I had been taking BC powder and this last time I had been taking Aleve.

I think my extreme aversion to that test combined with my stress to try and fit in studying on top of dealing with 3 pre-teens and dance stuff over the weekend just made for a bad recipe.

I went to a PA open house out my local school.  It was very informative and interesting.  I will shadow a PA next week at work. I am really trying to make that a viable option.   I think I could have a decent chance of getting into a program.  But its pretty competitive as well.   My local PA school had like 5000 applicants with only 75 seats to fill. 

I have to get the GRE done by December 2015, so I have a year to get on that...  I am thinking once I get back into school mode in the spring I can start the GRE study plan.

Work
about the same.  I subbed for another scribe and this Dr.  let me stay in the room for exams.  So I got my fair share of old man junk for the year..  lol   It was pretty interesting though I got to see some post op incisions and the dreaded DRE...  (digital rectal exam)

Life
blah...

Kid
doing pretty decent.
made "crew" at the convention
not working my nerves as much ( it comes in waves) lol.

thats about it...   If anyone happens to read this... I wish you a Happy Holiday Season!


Thursday, October 23, 2014

I should not be here right now...

So I have started to go over a practice test... and I got scared.  Started with physical science my roughest topic.  I have not been able to wrap my head around a study schedule.  I think after finishing a couple of passages I am going to do that tonight...


Rough Draft.

Friday October 24  - Study time 5:30 - 8:30
 --  30 min formal reveiw
-- physical science AAMC test & go over explanation
-- content review of problem areas
--- 8:30 - 10:00 ( work reduced shift - get Jordyn Home & in bed)

-- 10p - 12a
   --- Physical science AAMC test w/explanations

Saturday 10/24 -
-- there are a couple of hours where I have to shuttle Jordyn
-- but I have study blocks from 11- 2, 4 - 8, &10p - till my eyes wont stay open

Sunday 10/25
-- work from 8 - 12, Kidd stuff 12 - 2
-- practice test and content reveiw 2 - 10p

Monday - Friday
back to the 5:30 - 8:30, 10 - 12
-- will pick focus test based off my weekend performance

Saturday 11/1 - Out of town for convention, but going to lock myself in hotel room, while my rugrat is in class, only leaving to get her downstairs to class, get her lunch, and pick her up.
May do a break with the moms later that evening, if I have gotten through at least 2 full test.

Sunday - going to do as much as I can, will need my ear phones, I think I may see if i can pay the extra fee for the 5 pm check out.

Monday - Thursday... same as above.

I think I will stop Thursday... and just write down formulas, all day.

I usually do my best when I have little time.  I think I should also push myself to get in some work out time, to keep my energy up, and reduce my stress.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Are you kidding me right now???

So I went register for the January MCAT.  No available dates.  I know its my fault but , really no open seats in ANY STATE???.  


There was one day that had seats and guess what day it is.   November 7th.  yes... in 2 weeks.


Guess who will be praying and studying every available minute between 3 jobs and kid crap.

This chic!

Patience

This is something I have to work on.  I like to always work toward something specific.  I like to finish things and move on.

at this point I don't feel like I am doing anything. 


I was really planning on applying this year as part of my original plan.  And at first i was ok with that.  But then i got frustrated with finances, my test, and this job and decided I was going to try and rush and get an app in.

I have come back to reality and realized I need to return to my updated plan and apply 2015 cycle
1. with my stats I need to apply early, why wast money if my chances are low
2. improving my MCAT improves my chances, and I don't want to be rejected again with nothing
3. I can dually apply to PA & NP program and that will be my back up and I will be going to one or the other
4. Money, I have to find a way to get this together.  I need it for secondaries, travel ( if i get interviews), transcripts. etc.  ( I need to start me a pot and start stashing away).  I'm thinking stashing away every other weeks cleaning money since I get cash.
5. If i am going to work this frustrating job at this Dr. Office I should at least get an LOR out of the deal.
6. It will give me enough time to apply for fee assistance with applications.


I checked local community college for AP class they still don't have schedule up.
I am about 78% sure I will be registering for my MCAT today, hopefully it lets me choose a day in January with the fee assistance program.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Baby Steps

Quick update before I get to bed.

I think I am finished with my personal statement.  I have had at least 5 or 6 people look at it.  And thanks to one of my best friends who has been extremely supportive throughout my entire journey it does a pretty good job of getting my story across.  Thanks friend!  You Rock(y)!


I will be submitting my application this month, I don't care what I have to put off to do it.   So I need to renew my Interfolio account to send my LORs and transcripts.   And I need to narrow down my school list and budget required to get everything done.  Then come secondaries...  I also think it may be too late for application fee assistance.  You have to mail it in, and they say it could take up to 4 weeks.

I have been putting in a good bit of work on the research paper, mostly verifying info and calculations, but I actually enjoy that a bit more. I get it and I can make progress.  Just reading through all those journals was driving me cray cray.  I don't think I had a strong enough foundation in the topic to feel confident in my research (without help from a grad student)


Today was a pretty decent day today, so I will keep my complaining short. 

I did take a look at the Jr. College schedule, but didn't do to much more.  I start to look at the cost of classes and just decided to wait until I have submitted apps.  I have to come up with a plan to get out of my moms place.  Now its looking like I will probably be here until January.

Its slow but progress is being made.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Why is it so hard to come up with a headline


Work
-------

This is going ok, today was a pretty decent day.  Our regular office staff was not there, nurse and front desk chick were not there.  It was actually kind of nice, because even when things got a little crazy every one was still workable so that helped kind of keep a lid on the crazy.

School
--------

- I need to check to see if the Spring schedule is up at the community college.

- did some work on the research paper ( some busy work mostly)

The plan
-----
Still have not registered for the MCAT.  My paycheck goes SUPER fast, so I am just going to have to bite the bullet and spend the money on the next check, I think my last day to register is like early next month.  

I went to a Physician Assistant info session today.  It was mostly what is available online, they have an open house in November I singed up for.  I am going to seriously consider that as an options.

I had a friend look at my personal statement.  She gave me some good input.  I tried to work on it, but I think I got a little intimidated.  I am really struggling with the show vs. tell of the paper.

I did a high level replan..
1. register for MCAT ( October 4th)
2. Submit Med school apps ( 2 - 3 schools)
3. Intense MCAT study 3 hours a day MCAT section test (M-F) , full length test Sat & Sunday
4. MCAT  November 7th
5. Register for A&P 1 & Pre-cal  - December
6. Pick up some GRE books from Half-Price
7. Start/develop GRE plan (before Spring semester starts)
8. Take A&P II & Calculus- Summer
9. Take GRE - Summer
10.  Apply for Fall graduation at UTA
11. Start PA application April
12. Submit PA application ( NLT May 15)

Next is to work on my detailed MCAT Study plan.  I think I am going to just take a full length and see where my lowest grades are and focus on those areas first.

My kid
--------
she was doing so well, but she has returned to her old ways, and failing to turn in work and making crappy grades on quizes.
She just got her replacement phone after being without one for almost a year.  But I took all electronics tonight so once again I am back to paying money for nothing, I also took away her new shoes.  And I told her if she brings home another F she looses her solo on the competition team this year.  I am over this BS. 

Very disappointed with her right now, and its just a level of stress that I was hoping not to have to deal with.


Life
------
not where I want to be. I have basically gone down to working out once a month.  Its so crazy its almost like an outer body experience.  I wake up at 5, think about how fat and gross I am, then lay back down thinking how much of a looser I am for not going to work out.
I have issues.. I know..  I think I am afraid of success, or so scared of failing I quit before I get close.  I was doing amazing during the summer, but I let life and stress slow me down, and now my scrubs are getting tight!!!.   ARGHHHHH




Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The struggle is real...

So I am going to do my best to not ramble on but stick to the script....  Le go..

school..
-------
- Not a lot here.. did not sign up for any classes.
- I still need to email PA school to see if those online AP classes are acceptable.
- The lady from the NP program I talked to calls me once a week to see if i have registered for one of the online classes she recommended...   I think I can probably at least sign up for the nutrition class it should transfer anywhere..
- I have been doing work on that research project, moving slower than expected, but I met with that grad student last weekend and forced him to actually answer some dang questions...


work...
--------
Scribe job.... today was ruff..    I am trying my best to hang on there.  I am getting better at the job, but sometimes its hard to see the silver lining.  They also just started a new policy were you have to get approval and fill out some stupid form and FAX it if you clock in/out 7 mins before or after your set schedule...  Who in the H E double hockey sticks thought this crap up..   Its a freaking clinic  so anytime the doc wants to start early or clinic runs late I have to send an email AND fax a dang form.   So far the policy has been in effect since 8/18/14 ( ~ 15 days)  I have had 7 instances where I had to request approval.  And if you have 5 or more occurrences without approval. you get fired...

anyway so thats that...

the second job at the studio is going ok...

my 3rd job is basically standard issue.. Its not much but that change really helps me get through the 2 week pay cycle.  My first check was basically spent the day it hit the bank.   My second check is going to be just as bad.  My kid has about 300 bucks of dance stuff that she is required to have by next week...

anywhoo.. enough of that

the plan...
--------------
So I still don't know if I will apply to the 2 schools.  Its mainly a money issue right now.  At a minimum it would be around 250 to do the two schools.   I also have NO personal statement complete.  And after October its probably a waste of money to apply.

I think I am going to have to put off registering for the MCAT until my 3rd paycheck on the 20th or something.  I still have not began to even considering studying for that.

I still need to look into voluneering at some point.  I have gone almost a year without some volunteer work.  I just don't know when I will have the time.  I am already signed up for some parent volunteer work at my kids school.  Too bad that does not count...

the kid
----------
she is doing pretty good so far.
She made the dance company at her school
she is auditioning a couple of numbers she choreographed for the student chreography show hope she makes that.
Competitive dance is back in full swing.  and she is a teacher assitant this year.  she she has a busy schedule...

my life
---------
my work outs have dropped to basically non-existent since school started.  And I know it is affecting my mood.  Its just so hard to get up @ 5am now for some reason, and I have to come back to the house to get my kid and take her back to the other side of town, then return to this side for work.  I use about 8$ in gas per day to make the 2 round trips.
But the sad part is... the gas is not my true reason.   Its all me.  Once i miss a day or two its like a domino effect.  before you know it I have not hit the gym in 2 months...
But I will get back on it.. I will not go back to my regular size scrubs.   My new pair will be an even smaller size than the ones I got in the summer...  :)

Ok.. I am going to try and go to bed so I can try and get to the gym in the morning..

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

It goes...

So we are back at it again. Yesterday was the first day of school...   

Updates:
School 
- not much here didn't sign up for classes didn't get paid in time. 
- got an email from that grad student asking could I have some work done on that paper.  I have tried to put in some effort but I have lost interest. The guy is not the best person to work for and I just don't feel like I know enough.  Going to force myself to actually out some stuff on paper in the next couple of days 

Work :
This is going ok. I was pretty frustrated at first but it's starting to run a bit smoother. 
- the second job at the studio is going ok also.  
- my 3rd job is also going ok. I have reduced that to just once a week for about 4-5 hours.  I couldn't get over that more than that without just running myself dry. 

I am a bit tired and know it's only going to get worse.  But such is life. 

The plan:
I have not decided if I am going to apply to 1 or 2 schools this year and hope someone feels Pitty on me. 

I think I am not going to go Np route. 

I need to email PA schools about these online courses. 

I need to pay for the MCAT on my next paycheck so I can retake it before 2014 ends.  (Also requires me to pick up some practice test and get back with it). 

Life-
Basically I am a little tired. Trying to stay faithful to the gym. Going to have to fight hard with school starting back I have to make 2 round trips to get to gym. Take daughter to school. Then drive out to work.  But it will be worth it when I am back in a size medium 😋

Been really wanting to look into daiting. Not sure when I will have time but I would like to meet some new friends and hopefully move into a relationship.  I think that will help with my stress level just having some fun for myself every now and again.  

My kid :
So far so good.  She had auditions for school company on Friday and she has choreographed 2 numbers for her student choreography show. They audition for that in September.  And competition dance starts back next week so she is pretty busy herself.  I am hoping  for a smooth year with minimal drama. 

Ok. Off to work.  

Friday, August 15, 2014

Focus

First I want to say thank you to all those who had encouraging words for me through out my personal confusion... I appreciate it!


Ok...  So I need to focus up and put my updated plan in place. 

Where am I now.

School
 
There is not a lot going on here,   I still need to find a way to get in A&P I -II to keep my PA/NP route open.   I was informed of a online option that offers labs, but I need to email some PA schools to see if they are accepted.

Also.. I had basically stopped working on that research project, until I get an email on Monday asking me if I could have some work done by this Saturday.   Unfortunatly I have not been able to work on it and today is Friday.  With work at the Dr. Office & a couple days at the studio and my cleaning job I have just been exhausted and not very motivated.

I tried to start looking at some articles today only to find out my school library access is not working, so I have to depend on journals and articles that are open source.

Looks like this is going to consume my entire Saturday :(

Work

It has been a bit ruff.  The training program was a bit not existent, and the office that I am going to be working in has a bit of drama going on prior to my arrival.  I have already had 3 meetings with managers about this.   So the persnickty-ness of the doctor and the drama with the nurse along with the stress of trying to learn this new approach in a busy office environment is pretty stresfull.  
And then having to wait 3 weeks for a pay check with school starting and dance starting is driving a bit cray cray...
But I will move forward... this too shall pass



Life
Not a lot going on here.  I have been getting in at least 3-4 workouts per week ( 5;30 am) in so I am very proud of that.  I am hoping I can maintain that when school starts.



Rugrat
she is doing good... I think she is ready for school and dance to start back up, she has been stuck at the house for a while...

she is out to a movie tonight while I am at starbucks... 
her friends mom...  is a Lawyer who also had a career change and she was telling me her story, so that was pretty encouraging...

speaking of which I need to leave to go pick her up..

more later..

Monday, August 4, 2014

So about that...

Well as I sit outside the building during the break of my scribe job orientation I thought I should drop a quick update. 

Not a lot of time so I will keep it short. 

I'm. Not giving up.

Got the scribe job
Got a job working at my daughters studio
Still doing my cleaning job 

Going to retake MCAT
And going to take GRE 
Going to take AP I & II

Then going to apply to PA, med school, and NP programs.

Putting off apps till next year to get the scribe exp on resume and take the AP and retake of MCAT.  

It's going to work out somehow 

Back inside 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Well that ends that.

So I declined the Scribe job.  Now I will have to wait for an interview somewhere else. 

I think in the back of my mind I know the minute I sit down at a desk I'm done.  I won't try this again. 

I thought about volunteering when I can and studying for the MCAT on evenings and weekend and possibly applying next cycle.   But the further I get away from it the harder it is to return. 

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at income over the next 5 -9 years @ former salary and modest annual increases compared to cost off attendece ( tuition + COL) at a moderatly priced med school, + interest on existing loans.  

I would leave residency (3-4yr) with around 800,000$ in lost income and 370,000$ in loans.   Now assuming I go into an modest on/gym average @ 150,000 (- tax & insurance ) it wouldn't be difficult to bring that loan number down in 10-15 years with a modest living. 

And the 370,000 amount is with 40,000 for school and 20, 000 for living expenses (avg 9$ per hour for a 40 hr work week)   So as I sit here and stress about a 15$ hour a job how am I going to  get through 4 years of less? On top of the pressure to get my work in, get extra curriculars in and so forth.  If I had no children, or even a younger child or a significant other I would not let these numbers phase me. 

But after the last 6 months of these financial struggles and seeing the potential my little one has at her school and in her craft. 

I am bowing out.  Maybe I will return one day. Who knows.  

Who knows I may hit the lottery tomorrow or get 2 million dollars from a long lost uncle.  

But for now this is goodbye.   

Thank you to anyone who has supported me, encouraged me, stood by me, or just said hi to me.  

May God Bless whatever you have going on on your life and may you reach your ultimate goal.  

****these numbers are VERY Loose based off a rudimentary estimate of a personal look at MY situation*****

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Interest or Commitment

I found this image on AsparingMinoritydoc's Blog post and I had to borrow it, because I think it is important


Prayer works... ( I think)



Im back again...

So yesterday I posted about how I prayed for opportunity, clarity, guidance, patience, all of the above..

So between yesterday and today I got 3 phone calls..

1.  recruiter for a potential 6+ month contract job paying about 40$/hr
2.  staffing recruitor from my old job about an interview, and submitting my name for another job
3.  The scribe manger offering me the job that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago...

I sit here with my mind in a blank...

WTH am I supposed to do..?  

Do I take the scirbe job?  keep going after the goal.  put off applying to med school for one year and retake MCAT and take A&P & GRE for possible NP/PA option as an alternative?

Or wait to see if the other jobs will pan out, and just go back to work.

ARGGGHHHH....

With all this good news I should be happy, but I cant see past the confusion.

Getting into med school is hard
Getthing through med school is hard
Getting out of medschool is hard
Finding & completing residencies is hard


Taking a job in my old field is easy...

Not taking the scribe job does not make it impossible to go to medschool... I could still take IT job, and volunteer on the weekends, retake MCAT, and apply next year...  But I am about 65% sure that if I go back to work, especially at the higher end I have a shot at getting,  I will just get comfortable again and not go after it.  ( i think)

I need someone to tell me what to do. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Fear

As I sit here and look over my post I notice they have become more defeated/negative.  That's not the direction I intended for my thoughts. 

For the month that I put the dream of Medschool out of my mind I just lived and went through my days. 
However now that I start to think about it again I feel fear. 

Fear that I am giving up because it's gotten hard. 

Fear that I am missing out on conquering a major task that I gave up so much to achieve 

Fear that I am teaching my daughter to give up when things are hard.  

I also fear 

That I am trying for something that is unattainable for me

Fear that I will never find happiness, peace or love 

I fight with these two halves of my life constantly.   For most of my life I never felt like I fit in to one particular place.  I had characteristics that worked in different groups big never all the necessary ones for one group.  And as an adult I'm still in that place.  

I spent a little time today saying a prayer asking for clarity, direction, anything to help. 

I even tried to meditate , didn't go so well but I did spend a few quite minutes trying to clear my mind.  

This has been such a crazy journey for me.  I have felt so many emotions and somehow I don't feel closer to any goal. 

The one 40+med student blog I read seem to rely on her faith and positive mindset to get her through her challenges and i really want to do that. 

Unfortunately it's very hard to pay the bills with faith and positive thinking.   They work wonders for inter termoil or doubt and perseverence but finace requires a bit more. 

But I still want to incorporate more faith and positive thinking in my days, maybe it will open my mind up to something I have not seen. 

I hope anyone who happens to read this can find peace in their "Right Now" don't waste time with so much fear and stress.  Find your peace and make your choices based of that peace and be confident things will fall into place. 


Found a good photo on Facebook I want to try and work toward this mindset. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

What happened to that fighting spirit...?



So I have not heard back from the scribe job after my second interview.  I thought it went pretty well, but I guess not.  I emailed the Scribe manager and asked when would they be making a decision but she did not respond back.

I am not exactly sure how I feel about it.  I thought getting that job would be a great opportunity for me.  I was even going to put off applying this year and just work, retake that d*** test again and apply in 2015 with hopefully a major score improvement and more experience with a possible additional LOR.

But it looks like that may not be in the cards.   I have also been applying for IT jobs, got some potential opportunities from some old contacts but still nothing concrete.  I kind of dont want to go back to the same company.  1. because i think its important for me to experience other companies, and maybe see what else is out there.   2. because even if I can not get a scribe I still may re-apply next year and I don't want to quit again ( I would only quit if I got into school)

I kind of thought about applying to a couple of DO schools that may accept my whole application and not just focus on my low MCAT score but I have not for a couple reasons
1.  First and foremost MONEY... i have none
2.  I am still very adverse to moving my kid.   She has had the most amazing year in dance and is in a pretty awesome school. ( same reasons I stop considering the international schools)

I checked out a blog of a 40+ med student, it was pretty interesting,  she ended up going international , but that was 4 years ago, and I am still scared of that option and don't know how I can handle that with my kid.

Unfortunatlly this post does not have much in it that shows i am any closer to a resolution on the rest of my life.

Also I thought about requesting an interview with that post bacc program I didnt get into, I am pretty sure its my MCAT, because I did everything else from my last app review.

I have not looked at my MCAT book for a couple months, and I have done nothing medschool related.  I get depressed and its easier just to ignore it.  I have just been focused on trying to find a source of income.   I still work the 2 part time jobs, but they don't contribute much. 

I tell myself I am just going to find a decent job and work...  make money, pay bills, buy stuff and keep doing that until its time to die.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Lost

So I had an interview for the scribe Job yesterday.  It went well.  Still don't know the potential pay, but they do have health insurance.   Also I would mostly only support one doctor and it's in the immediate area so that's a good selling point.   However she also mentioned that he is a perfectionist and requires someone that can handle his approach ! So that sounds a bit stressful.     I have another interview today with him and the administrator.  

And to make my life more stressful. 

Another mom offered to submit my resume for an auditor position and I got a call from a recruiter for a 1.5 yr contract process improvement position making around 80 a year!  Still requires a second interview and it's about an hour away die where I live. But still there is some benefits and it's a decent pay 

After talking with my brother and getting the interview for the scribe job I thought for sure I should stick to my guns and stay on the healthcare track.   Then I picked up an MCAT book and was like Ugh.  I don't want to look at this.  So I pulled up the PA website and looked at application dates and so forth.   Then went amd looked at salary projection and trends.  60-120,000 was the range for 2012.    And I think to myself that's attainable with my current career without getting more loans and taking more time not working & stressing.  But of course it was also about the type of work and the enjoyment and the possibilities not just the money but as a 35 year old single mother I can't ignore the money!

Also PA is not what I set out to do.  I do think I would love the potential working options like I have a friend who is an NP and basically works 7-12 24 hour shifts a month but makes full-time salary.  And I could always throw in some clinic work once a week to make extra money.  Shit now even Walmart is offering healthcare clinics.  So I know I can make money and provide healthcare and still volunteer in low income clinics and work with expecting mothers so that option would still let me meet some of the goals to some extent. But I would not have left my job for a PA route.  And if I did I would have took all my classes at a community college and not left until I had a freaking acceptance. 

I am still at a flipping loss.   I am lost!!! I don't know what to do.  

1.   I could take the scribe job. 
     A. Study like crazy for MCAT , take it in August submit last minute and hope someone takes pitty on me. 
       Neg--- the scribe job won't really give me much of a boost for this option because I won't have been they long and it's so freaking hard to get into my local schools.  And I can't afford the down payments and cost to move if I got in out of state. 

     B.  I could take AP & study for GRE while working the scribe job and then apply to PA school.  Probably a pretty doable option.  
           Neg--  money and still possibly having to move 

    C.  Work. Make money. Pay bills. Get some more technical training to refresh my coding skill sets  & finish up my last 4 classes in my Software Enginnering degree to move on to higher paying jobs
          Neg-  the possible regret of not doing medicine. Even though it's not bad now, will it return in 2-3 years? 

Another interesting note about the scribe job.  The lady that interviewed me is a former scribe and was going for Medicine , then PA. But then decided just to get her masters in hospital administration because of how competitive the whole thing is.  

:|

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Universe hates me...

So it's been a while.   For the most part I just resigned myself to going back to work and leaving this dream behind.    So I have applied to a bunch of jobs and actually had an interview for a process engineer position which is similar to some of the work I did before.   I was a little concerned leaving the interview because it was one of the least favorite task I had in the past, and during my interview they repeatedly stated how there were no processes in place and the people there were very resistant to change.    But I just kind of focused on getting a paycheck.    So that's what I have been focusing on just trying find a job and work on finding happiness in where I was. 

Until last night.  A young lady who I used to work with asked me to meet her to discuss her thoughts of leaving work to go to medical school.   So I spent some time sharing with her my experience. And I feel like I may have highlighted the harder parts More than I should have.   But I wanted to be vary clear how it is not an immediate gratification and that it's extremely competive as well as it does not guarantee happiness.   Now that I look back I wonder who I was trying to convince.   

Anyway that was not that big of a deal.  What was the hard part was the call I got this morning from a urologist office that wanted me to interview for a full-time scribe job.   Which would be 8-5 for one or two specific doctors with a better pay then my last one.... Basically the exact position I was looking for at the end of the semester!!!! 

Why does my life work like this?  

So now what.  

Do I continue on the path that gets me money now and keep looking for a job, or do I use this as my opportunity to make a little more money te get me through on the originally journey. 

Why was I leaving? 
Money. 

Does the new opportunity change that?
Not really, it would defiantly be more than I made before.  But it won't return me to the more comfortable life I had before. 

I think what I will do is go with the interview.  Make a budget of must haves and see what is the least amount of money I can make to take care of bills that I have and pay off some debts.  May have to stay with my mom for another month or two. (Tears).   
And if I get offered enough to make it work I think I will stay with the plan.   

And the way my luck works as soon as I am 2 weeks into the job I am going to get     end up getting calls from the "professional" jobs I applied for offering a pay that will solve all my problems. 

Ugh.   


Friday, May 30, 2014

Bipolar

I sometimes think I am bipolar or at least my life is.  

I have to deal with some issue or situation and I feel like the best way to address it is to go one way.   But then in the next moment I become concerned with all the consequences of that decision and try to find the alternative. Then before you know it no decision has been made yet the problems still there.  

Prime example this major stay or go life choice of trying for med school. 

I was pretty firm in my decision and approach for the first 1.5 yr of this.  But once the $$ problems started I begin to doubt and fear and immediately retreat.  

***And Everytime I resign myself to gracefully bowing out something makes me think if I just hang in there a little longer it will all work out.  Whether it be talking with friends, reading someone else's journey,  or listening to my own regret.   So I go off and apply for 15 more entry level healthcare related jobs with the intention of staying the course. 

Example a few days ago I applied to work for careflight ground crew, and they sent an email saying my application passed the first step and to go take some questionnaire.  So automatically it's like awesome there is some potential and I'm like it's all going to work out ***

Then I get a call , text, or reminder of the one of the many bills that are due and will not get paid in the near future.   And next thing you know I'm emailing contacts at my old company asking about jobs!!!

That's my freaking life right now.  I am frustrated trying to find places with wi-Fi and a decent study atmosphere without using up extra gas! 

I am really starting to understand how some women marry men they are not physically attracted to but takes good care of them!

You can't survive in this world without resources and that drives most peoples daily decisions.  

Every few days I find myself thinking.  I can just go back to the industry work my way to the top. Try for executive leadership and just find my joy outside of work.  People do that all the time.  

Yes quitting my dream will suck.  Yes I will never want to go to a hospital or doctors office agian.  And I will avoid every medical drama on TV because they will be painful reminders that I gave up.  

And yes I will grow tired of all the people who knew my journey asking what happened and saying well at least you tried.  

But the bills will be paid, Jordyn will get to stay in dance and take summer dance class (next summer), I will have a place to live, I will not be afraid my car is about to be repossessed I will have wi-Fi.  And I won't feel like a big whiney cry baby always blabbing about my freaking problems.   I am a problem solver but I can't make resources and jobs appear so I feel like the only way I know how to solve the problem is to go back to what I know. 


Also if were in already in med school I would be more willing to look for alternatives.   But I'm not even sure I am going to get in.  It's hard and competive and I'm about 60% sure I'm not going to make it in to my local school. 

Ugh I'm over it! 

Friday, May 23, 2014

How to read the signs.

I find myself wondering more often then not "is this a sign?" 

The personal/financial challenges are they a sign I need to stop this silly dream and be responsible and work a decent job and provide for my kid?

Or

Is it an obstacle/struggle that people that take be risk to do what the want or love have to withstand and conquer to be successfull. 

I have read a few stories about some successful people who had to live out is their cars, or with 5 orther people in a studio to make their dream come true. 

I have no idea what my struggles mean. Nor do I know what to do. What is the "right" decision.  I wish I could talk to someone who is where I am now.  

Any who. - quick update

Work - still looking have started applying for full time jobs.   I am still afraid to call contacts at my old place for 2 reasons
1.  I'm still convinced I am going to re-apply to med school and if I get in I don't want to have to resign again I think that's unfair. 

2.  I think going back to the similar area would mean a nail in the coffin for my dream I would give up and just ride out the rest of my life and try to make the  most of it. (Not a bad life, but then everything for the past 1.5 years would have been for naught) 

Praying something comes around soon. 

School- nothing much here, not a lot of progress on the research front.  I'm not a super fan of the guy I'm working with, he is nice but doesn't actually teach me anything.  He just ask me what I have when I seen him.  It's very frustrating. 

The plan - I have not been able to attend that MCAT class (no Internet) and there is no public library close that stays open that late and I have to pick up Jordyn from dance in the middle of class. 

I also have not studied.  I think I am letting this financial struggle de-rail everything else.    May be some form of self-fulfilling profacy.  I let myself fail at my goal forcing me to think my only true direction is to return from where I came.   Or maybe I am afraid of failing or something.  Who the hell knows!!!

Life -  see above!!! - kind of sucking right now.  But I have been going to the gym as regularly as I can. I think that has helped a lot with the stress.   

Hopefully soon I can actually list an accomplishment here.  Sometning that's worth my path to & through medical school blog.  Because now it seems like a bunch of whining. 

That or  bid it farewell because I have put the dream to rest.   

I just need one light, one sparkle to help glimpse the path the direction to take and I will start running toward it. 



Tuesday, May 20, 2014

No title yet.

Finally got all moved out Monday morning,  had way more stuff than I thought. Took about 8 bags to goodwill and threw away about 10-15 bags of crap, took some to a friends and still end up getting a storage unit, but I don't want to start completely over when I move.  

My plan did not completely finish on track. 

Monday was a bit of a bust. I was still moving into the morning, then had to shower and head to work.  So I have not did the test question plan or the research article stuff.    Had to come straight home after work because Jordyn was sick and stayed home from school. 

But I did get all my utilities canceled and mail transferred, can't transfer my internet because they don't have Uverse in this area so that kind of sucks. 

Another hitch in my plan is jobs.  I don't think I can do a part-time job. I really need health insurance. As I mentioned a moment ago Jordyn was pretty sick and then this morning she passed out in the restroom while brushing her teeth.   She has done this multiple times before when she gets sick and dehydrated she wakes up in the morning with low blood sugar and certain things just don't want to work right.   I didn't take her to this hospital because I know the drill just eat and drink a little something and she is fine.  I even sent her to school because she was better. But if it would have been a worse scenario I would not have been able to take her to her doctor , but would have had to end up taking her to the ER for visit that cost more than my car that I would be paying on for the next 5 years. 


Anywho back to the plan.  

Going to take my lap top with me and just go to library after my work until it's time to pick Jordyn up. She has show at school tonight so we are going to stay on that side of town until after the show. 

At the library going to fill out some apps and review one article.  She wants to go to her ballet class after the show so I will sit at the studio and get in some studying then. 


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Wheels keep turning..


So as I sit here looking for jobs, look at all this crap I need to pack, looking at open MCAT books.

My mind wont be still.

1.  I am 98% sure I am not ready to just give up

2. I'm torn between getting a 8-5 in non-science/med field making as much money as I can until its time to re-apply

 or. 

getting into a med/science type job. that pays way less, but will look better on the application and has more flexible work hours to allow me to continue to study for this test and to finish up my research work for publication.

I think option one is the easier one once I find a job, but I hate to do all that and then quit on them when its time to head off to medical school. because its going to happen DANG IT,  I will be entering someones medical school in August 2015 Dadgummit...

Option 2 will be the best for getting in somewhere, but the hardest financially.  I think I am going to look into getting a CNA certification, but that's going to mean money.  I want to try and get a PCT or Multi-skilled job in a hospital, where I can work like 3 days a week (12 hour)  get enough to pay some small bills and put some money away.   I will keep my cleaning job, and maybe try and pick up one more.   Its just going to be hard at first because I still need to find a job while getting CNA.

So I may have to do some hybrid of Option 1 and 2, get a non-science job, while getting CNA, then just try to get a PRN hospital job on nights and weekends.   This will still strain me for studying & finishing my research but it is doable.

I think these larger corporations take to long to get back with you.  I may just go with a temp place now find a placement and go with that.   I am going to wait until Monday though.  I need to get moved out first.

Plan
(Today - Saturday)
1a.  Go by U-haul and get some boxes
1. Start getting rid of stuff
2. Pack up the stuff I can keep ( thanks to my AWESOME lifelong friend I have a place to put a few things)
3. Call Salvation Army for the big stuff beds, washer/dryer, couch, table
4. Take clothes to goodwill , we only wear about 60% of whats in the drawers and closet
5.  Deny all stress and worry while watching my daughter show on Saturday evening

Sunday
1. clean up place & turn in keys
2. go to Starbucks (or somewhere with Wi-fi) and fill out job applications

Monday

2. Go to the library after the Gym and put together a MCAT practice problem plan ( only focusing on going through problems this time)
3. Get at least 2 articles reviewed and noted for my Research project
4. Start on my personal statement

Update on school.

So final grades were posted for the spring
Got 2 A's and 2 B's .  So upset with myself I wanted All A's, but such is life. 
I have kind of put the calculus class in the back of my mind for now.  Maybe after I get into a grove, I can think about it again, and find a way to get it done before September, so I can finish my BS in Biology.

The Kido

She has been doing better in school and behavior.  I decided against taking away her extra ballet class that she was invited to.  However she wont be getting her point shoes until the summer which had a dual benefit,  ( punishment & saving me money). 

I am really hoping I get a job soon, so I can get her in a few summer dance camps.  She needs the exercise and something to keep her busy.   I am hoping to be out of my moms apartment within a month, becasue the 3 of us in a 1 bedroom apt is a disaster waiting to happen even worse there is no cable or w-ifi lord help me :). 

Work

Well most of this was covered above.   I also still have my house care job & and I work about 10 hours a week at a daycare for now.

Life

personally, on Monday & Tuesday I was one revolver away from calling it quits!  And of course looking back that sounds way over dramatic, but it was a big blow and I hate talking about my failures to people so I was kind of holding it all in.   But I chatted a bit and cried a bit and that opened up my mind.

I spent a lot of my childhood poor and anytime I have to look that potential in the face I just cant handle it.   Which is what kept me in my previous job for as long as it did.  But I have options they may not be easy or attractive right now but they are there.

also on a more positive note I have increased my working out to at least 4 - 5 times a week and do at least an hour of cardio every visit, and weights every other visit.  I have lost like 10 lbs ,  also eating less but still not optimal.  I want to keep up the working out even through all this stress...  Its going to be a challenge, but not one I want to loose. 

It is time for me to start conquering the HARD SHIT!!!

This blog has gotten way more personal than I had intended in the past few months, but I think it helps that I write it down, and I can have it to go back to.

Ok time to get ready for work.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

After the tears...


So after finally shedding a few tears about not getting into the program, and having to move out of my apartment in 3 days I had time to think.   My initial response was to apply to as many professional jobs as I could. ( like 10 so far).  

However... As I sent an email to a former co-worker to get the email of my previous director, I had a minute to think.  I don't want to go back just yet, if there is a chance. 

. I still want to finish this application cycle.   I may just apply strictly DO schools, I am going to see if make a list of the ones that don't require a DO LOR. (my letter is from an MD) and apply for them this cycle. I may have a better chance with my 3.4 GPA than in Texas schools.


There is still a lot of work to do with this route.

I still need to work on my personal statement ( another thing I don't want to do)

I need to get at LEAST a 9 on all my sections (take 1000 of practice test)


My biggest challenge (another one) is going to be in 6 months when my student loans come up for payment.  Since I did not get into the program, I wont be in school full-time.  And throwing a couple of part-time jobs together will notdo

I think I am still going to apply to a decent paying job because I need to save up money for the deposit, applications, moving cost, and car payment.

this also will most definitely mean I will have to move, because the Texas DO school is just as hard to get into as most other Texas schools.  But I will deal with that if/when I get to it.

this week is going to be a bit ruff, but I will try my best not to loose my focus on my goal. 

Now What?


So I got my rejection letter from the program yesterday.  Its so frustrating that it took so long to get the word,  I thought I had a chance especially since I did everything that they said I needed to improve my chances of getting in.

Now I feel like such an idiot.  I had a decent job I could pay for all my kids stuff.  Yea I was unfulfilled and wanted to go after this, but it wasn't like i was a 20 something single person.   I am a 30 something single parent of a middle school kid.

And even though this program was only one of the options I considered it was the best one to help the transition.  To still be a good mom and go after what I want.

Now trying to look over this MCAT stuff is just stressing me out.  I cant even focus on it.

I don't want to give up , but I cant afford this journey anymore.  

I tried to get out of my head today and think about my alternatives, but they all come with their own set of roadblocks

PA school : need AP I & II & GRE would have to pay out of pocket, will still have to move

Nursing -> NP :  need AP & GRE (out of pocket) may have something on line, but specialty is limited

Caribbean : the kid

I applied to a couple of systems engineering jobs yesterday, and I am thinking I have probably messed myself off going back there, because they are going to be like.. So why did you leave?  What did you do?   Nothing like telling them you tried a new career and failed.  They are going to wonder how long will you actually be committed to them.  Or that your incompetent.

Even if I were to get a call today for an interview, it does not really help my immediate situation.  I need to be out of my apt in a week, and I going to see if my mom is interested in taking over my car lease since hers is pretty old.   After that I am just going to try and keep from stabbing myself in the eye for F-in up my life so badly, then hopefully at the bottom I can clear my head and of course any decision made at that point is better than than doing nothing and staying there.

FML!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Last Final of the semester...

I took my last final today.   I was hoping for an A, but it didn't workout.  The frustrating part is this teacher usually has to give 2 - 4 points each test because people find mistakes in their test , but since its the final you don't get to see it and the grades get turned in tomorrow morning.

O well it is what it is.  I still don't know my final grade, but when I calculate it with the lab I am getting like an 89.3...  :(

Had my plant science final on Tuesday, if my calculations are correct then I will get a B in there also.  This B I am very ok with it, that class was dreadful, and the test worse. 

I am glad they are over....

Still no freaking word on that program.  I went ahead and gave them a call today and she said my file still has not been reviewed.  Its so frustrating I understand their conundrum with number of apps and bad weather and such... But  people move from all over the place, and have to find ways to make the move, or plan for alternatives if they don't get in.  1 or 2 weeks is hard to manage.  Something else I cant really do anything about.

On another note, right before I go to take my final today I get an email that my child got in trouble at school today, I am so over this crap with her also...

She was supposed to start pointe this summer, got invited to the older girls class and everything.  I want her to do good, and grow, but she just wont work with me.  I really hate to take this away from her, but much is sacrificed to give her this opportunity that she does not seem to appreciate. 

She doesn't realize, that dance is the main thing keeping her here in this country.  I am so close to sending in my application for the University Health and Medical Science school in St. Kitts.  My main reason that I do not is her.  I keep rolling around in my head deciding if she lived with mom, would my mom be able to keep up with all the things she has to do, or should I just take her with me away from her dance & performing arts school.   I kind of think she needs to go with out to appreciate what she has.  The stress with that is, dance like any major sport these days is pretty competitive.   If she stops now she will loose ground, and be less competitive when she finally returns to dance, and possibly loosing her chance at college scholarships... 

How does a person keep pushing up hill toward things that seem so out of reach?

I know its not fair to complain when there are people all over the country that are hungry, hurt, alone, brutalized and other horrible things.  So I will end complaints here.  So for now I will continue to fight!

Friday, May 2, 2014

Piss in my cheerios...

Ugh... so another Friday and no word... A bit frustrated  I have so much riding on this... It has just really put a damper on my week. People have been being accepted and rejected all week.  For a while it helped that at least I have not been rejected, but now not even that is helping. I am just ready to know one way or the other.

On top of that I just feel really crappy, and I don't get to sit home and just get through it.  I have to work both nights at my daughters ballet, and then we have competition this weekend. Meaning I have to be around other people all Freaking Weekend...  I don't get to sit home and study for finals, and just get through it.

Another level of frustration is my child is still pissing me off, after all my reprimanding and everything she still decided to miss turning at least one assignment at least once a week.   So frustrating.

And last but not least, I am trying so hard to eat right.  And now in this very stressful time I cant eat things that make me feel better.

I just want to say F it all and just walk away until the soles of my shoes come off and I just fade into the ground...  But I don't get that option.  Just have to keep banging my head against the wall.

Not a good few days...  I really need something to change for the better soon or I am going to be on the street knee deep in pizza and vodka thinking FML!!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Uneccessary Post


So its time to start studying for finals, which is most likely why I am writing in my blog, because anything seems more dire now than studying...

After this though, I'm hitting the books (more like PPT slides, but same concept)

Still no word on MedSci.....

Didn't go to temp place to apply for a job, all they had online were 9 - 5s, or Thur - Sundays 7-7...  I know its wishful thinking, but I am going to hold out one more week, before I accept my fate and apply to a full-time job.

I seen a few good ones at my old place, so if it comes to it, and I don't get in, I am starting there first!!!

I did apply for a part time job at the daycare down the street , its only for lunch time room duty so maybe 10-15 hours a week.  My daughter used to go there, so I know the director and assistant director (which is not always a good thing). I may try and pick up another housekeeping job, but I kind of hate it :P.  But someone has to keep the lights on...

Also did some research on the Australia school... Not sure its going to be an option (yet)
1. will need to re-take my MCAT
2. If you take a child with you, you have to prove to the government that you can support them
 (3500$ available to you prior to entry into the country O_O!!!)  School for them is around 9,000 a year + additional healthcare cost.

Still not ruling it out for next year, but defiantly not a go this year.  Unless I win the lottery!

Oh yea, made it to the gym this morning and had some decent lunch.

Going to really try to stay vigialent to making choices that lead to a better me...
- studying more
- eating better
- consistent excercise
- finding ways to de-stress
- getting out more ( as long as it does not conflict with above)

Ok... on to Plant Science... Yay

Monday, April 28, 2014

Still no word



      So I still have not heard back from the Med Sci program.  I am glad I have not been denied yet, so it means I am still in the running.  But the uncertainty is stressful.   I still need to find sources of income, and every time I look at a job, there is going to be some potential conflict if I do get in.   I guess I am going to have to just take something and leave if I get accepted,  and on the other hand, since I am going to be finished with class, I would rather take on a "real" job where I can make some decent money. (especially if I don't get into the program). Decisions!!!!


     I called Kaplan today and used my "high score guarantee".  I will be retaking the course but online this time with live instructors.   If I get into the MedScie program, they have a mandatory MCAT class, I may be able to substitute the one I have for the mandatory class. However, a person in a forum mentioned they significantly increased their score with the Princeton Review Program they offer with the MedSci program.  But until I know whether I am in or not, that's not really something I need to concern myself with. When it all comes down to it, I just need to put in the time, to do as many practice questions as I can.

Finals are next week.  I did not start studying today, because I had my work I normaly do on Sunday today, because my kid had dance competition all weekend.   I am going to start tomorrow.   We dont have our plant science class, but we do have a Animal Phys class, but he said he is just going to open it up for questions.   I'm thinking since I don't have lab, I am not going to drive over.   I think I am going to go to the gym after I drop off the kids, then head over to this temp place to see what jobs they have.   Then just go to the library until its time to take my little one food at dance.

Oh yea... I don't think I mentioned this before, but I got an email about looking into podiatry school.  I personally cant say that I have ever been interested in that,  but I thought I would look into it for a couple reasons.
1.  My stats are comparable to other matriculates. 
2.  I could start in August of this year
3.  They make pretty decent money.
4. It could be interesting if I could work for like ballet companies or sports teams.

On the other hand.
1. Never really considered it as an option, and a majority of the practice is with diabetes & cardiovascular disease.  If I could get into the sports medicine part, I may consider it but that is not a guarantee.
2.  I would have to be ready to move out of state in 3 months!
3. The first year of classes is with medical school students, I think that would stress me out and I would feel like such a quitter.
4. I have not even applied to medical school yet

Also came across information for a medical school in Australia that does their clerkship (last 2 years) in New Orleans, with good chances of getting US residency matches...

My daughter has a fit anytime I talk about moving us anywhere to go to school,  and my mom threatens to come with me !!!  

I think I walk around in a constant state of haze.  So many unknowns running through my mind. I am on the incline of just one of the hills of this journey.  I think I need to see the crest of this hill soon, before I start to roll back down in the opposite direction.  

I think I am curbing my mind state with food,  I am not pigging out, but I am not eating breakfast or lunch,  just some carb loaded mid dinner, with snacks after... I think I have gained like 10lbs.  I hit the gym like once or twice every 2 weeks, with a mind to change, but then I find myself staring at my shoes the next day thinking... WHY BOTHER...  uggh... I just need clear next steps to focus on, something I can control...

Ok... I have went on and on enough... on to something else..

Monday, April 21, 2014

International Medical School



So a young lady I used to scribe with posted on Facebook she would be starting at Ross University soon.   Ross is one of the big 3 medical schools in the Caribbean.   I had previously thought about this option for years, but always a bit apprehensive about it for a few reasons.

1. There is a lot of conjecture about how hard it is to find quality clinical rotations during 3rd and 4th year and difficulty finding residences after graduation.

2. They are VERY expensive with tuition, living, and food you are going to leave with about 250+ grand in debt.  Where as with some state schools you can stay in the 150 range ( if you are resident of that state).  Also there is a lot of up front expenses.  You have to pay 1500 in deposits, you have to get plane tickets, shots, first & last months rent, shipping crates, books and everything.  And you are not always guaranteed to have your financial aide before all you need to move and start class.

3. And one of the bigger ones for me is Jordyn.  I would have to take her with me, which is a cool experience, but would be hard as a single parent.  Or I would have to leave her here for 18 months with someone (most likely my mom)

4. I have read horror stories about their administration and support. 


I eventually just put it out of my mind and decided if I can get in to school in the US, it just wasn't going to happen for me.   But when this post popped up it got me thinking again.  And I start to think of the a few postives of me going.

1. They start 3 times a year, so I could be in medical school by New Year's.

2. There are thousands of people who were successful at getting through the program and finding residences and jobs.

3. I think I need to be away from a well known area and friends to really do well in medical school.  It requires a lot of time and focus to get all the material down and ingested, and If I have nothing else to do but school I think that would help.


I have no idea what to do, had another week with no word from the MS program, had my last day of work already.  So its just been stressful all around not knowing what direction to turn.

ugh... my life right now

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Its been a while

So its been a bit since I jotted down some thoughts...

mainly because I have not been feeling very positive for a bit, I don't really want to document negative thoughts, unless there is some type of lesson in it for me to grow from.  Also not a lot has changed, and I don't want to be redundant.

onto the notes

school... 
  honestly I am a bit over this semester.  Plant science has not gotten any more interesting, and her test only get worse.   The lab is ok, we only have about 2-3 weeks left and I cant wait.  I am ready to not be at school till 9pm twice a week.

I have not registered for any summer classes or anything.

I still have not heard back from the post-bacc program.  They have been sending out acceptances and declines for the past couple of Fridays.  I have not been denied yet, so I guess that is a good thing, but the waiting is stressing me out.

work... 
  I ended up not completing my training for the restaurant.  The few days I was there, I had to ask for help with Jordyn more than I cared to, and I was studying a freaking menu and I had a dang plant science test I needed to study for...   So I gave up... I should have started during the Christmas break  or something... 

My part time job at the tax place ends next week, and I have applied to a few jobs, even a job at my old place.. (more on that later).  But I am a little scared about applying because I don't know if I will get into that program.  If I get in, I cant work or if I do it has to be only a few hours.

I also started a new personal assistant/errand type job where I prep meals, clean up, and run errand for a lady.  So far so good... I thought about trying to get a couple of those to carry me through but I want to spend a few weeks doing this to see how I am at it, and I need to finish with my current daytime job, and tue/thur class to free up more time.

the plan...
  so this is mainly the same for the most part.  
Still getting through class,
still waiting to hear back from the post back

trying to decided if and when, I will take additional steps for the alternative paths... 
like GRE & AP to open me up for MSN or PA.

general thoughts...
  I am little scared, for the past week or 2, I have not wanted to study, and I cant wait for lab to be finished and this semester to be over with. So I think if I feel that way now how can I commit to 4 more years of learning...

I even got to the point to where I applied for a couple of jobs at my old place.

I don't know if I want to give up, or if I feel like I am ultimatly going to fail so I may as well position myself to just go back to doing what I know I can do...

I think financial stress and denying things for myself and my daughter that I didn't have to do before are also adding stress to me... Stressing about things getting cut off, and having to ask for extensions is a place I always worked very hard to stay away from.  

Also being around other professional adults that can do things I cant, and have things I cant hurts a bit, and I don't mean to sound shallow or stupid. Its just when they all want to take the kids to dinner after dance, or eat out at competitions, I hate having to make excuses why J and/or I cant go, and sometimes I do end up going therefore spending money I don't have... And I know I should not try to compete or be like others... etc but that does not make it easier in the moment.  So I find myslef trying to stay away from the other parents as much as possible.

I had dinner over a friends house for the first time a few days ago, and I LOVED her place, it was the perfect house for me and my daughter, and she does well for herself and she is around the same bracket I used to be in...

So I find myself thinking... I didnt hate that place that much... (kind of), yea.. I wanted to be a doctor but maybe that shipped sailed, maybe I was not one, because I wasnt able to work hard enough to be one...

I don't know...   I am not giving up yet... I think once I hear from the post-bacc program I can make more clear decisions...

If i get in --> attend, kick ass, take that DANG MCAT one more time... apply to as many medschools as I can afford in August

If I don't get in --->
option a:  try to get back on at old place, and apply to other places in my old field, get a hobby and make the most of that career

option b:  try to get a job at old place, or similar place,  study for MCAT, retake, and apply in august

option c: try to get in at old place or similar,  study for GRE, take A&P @ community college,  try for PA or MSN program...

ok... gotta get to bed..

Monday, March 17, 2014

Started from the bottoms... Now I'm... Wait.. I'm still at the bottom.

So I had my first full training shift at the resturaunt yesterday.  

It wasn't horrible but Food service was the main reasons I knew I had to go to graduate from college.   

This resource and availablity situation is really tryin me right now.   I am stressed out worrying about bills and getting Jordyn taken care of when I can't do it.  

I have plant science test tomorrow that I can do everything else but study for.   I look over it but then I'm like ugg. 

And we have first competition starting on Thursday during the day.  I'm like WTF!!! Are these people doing scheduling dances that early on a weekday.   

So now I have to miss almost all my classes and then ask another parent to let J hang out with them while I go to lab because I am the only TA there on Thursdays and my grade freaking depends on it.  

I know I chose this.  I know it's my own bed to lay in, but it still sucks sometime. 

I really need to hear back from this program to know if I got in or not.  I have to find something specific to plan around so I won't go crazy.  

If I do get in I have to move into a cheaper place or find a roommate .  I can't afford to work another job and pass those class.  

I keep thinking about getting a place with my mom. She would help me with Jordyn and we can help each other financially but  our situation gets really stressful and I can't add that to school.   

Plus I don't want her to loose her current place if I have to move for med school and then she is left high and dry trying to move back into a smaller place.    

My life is kind of driving me cray cray right now...  And sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.  And I have not eve gotten into medical school yet.    

Ok enough complaining...   Back to work. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Welcome... what can I get you to drink?



So I got my second job today,  nothing fancy, going to be working as a waitress/server at restaurant.  Not my dream job, but its what came around first and is mostly flexible.  I can work 2 - 3 days and still make ok money.

I have done food service and customer service but never been a waitress.  I am kind of nervous.

Its going to kind of suck, because I will basically not have weekends or holidays anymore, and that is going to be a big challenge with my kiddo, but such is life.

My application to the Post-bacc program is complete, hoping I hear back from them soon.   If I get accepted I may have to reevaluate the server job.   This program is supposed to be Super FREAKING hard requiring loads of time.... But unfortunately the Fin-Aide won't be enough to take care everything...


Anywhoo...  class is going ok, This next Plant Science test is going to be a beast.  Its like 10 chapters of lots of stuff... lol.  Speaking of which. I need to get back to studying...

I am still trying to hang in there.  Its ruff, but if it were easy everyone would be doing it.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Decsions Being Made

So I decided to go ahead and submit the app for the local Post-bacc program.

The deadline is March 15 so I have about 12 business days to get everything in.  The rec letters are electronic, the MCAT is via email, and one of the transcripts is electronic.  All thats left is to mail in my payment, and two of my school transcripts have to be mailed.  They are both in Texas and the request were submitted today before 5 so I am comfortable there is enough chance they can make it on time.

My only concern is that I reused a lot of the material from my previous application.  I still felt the same about my answers so I decided to go with them.   It may hurt me, but I was kind of in a rush to get it done.   I updated the information that was necessary and just went with what I had.

Why did I go ahead and apply after going back and forth on the issue?  With the release of my MCAT scores I knew I was limited in my options, and instead of just giving up I felt like I really wanted to give this try all I had. This program is teamed up with my most ideal med school choice, with cost, location, and reputation so I don't think it would hurt me, and the application with fees and transcripts only totaled about 80$.  I figured the chance was worth it.

I am still concerned about not working a full-time job for another year if I get accepted.  And of course there is the chance that I still wont get into there medical school.  And its another year not paying on school loans (INTEREST!!!!)

If I hear a "No"  back from them soon,  I am going to go ahead and register for calculus and Anatomy & Physiology at the community college and look into the GRE to open up options for the PA and Nurse Practitioner routes.    I think those program application due dates are in the Fall so I can continue to look for work in the mean time.

Speaking of work, still applying...  I am starting to think maybe my scribe job is giving bad feedback on me because I gave a 45 day notice instead of a 60 day, and because I only stayed 9 months instead of 1 year.   Because I cant imagine why I have not gotten one call back, I mean seriously the latest application was to work the ticket counter at a movie theater.  A high school diploma was not even a qualification!!!    so frustrating...

One more thing...  I finally stopped by the professors office who is letting me work in his lab... he is going to let me work on a data project that I think will be a good fit with me given my previous experience.  He even said I could be listed on the paper if it gets published... that is pretty awesome...   Also I want to look into that area as a potential niche that I could also look into as a career.   Combining my previous careers with my new biology would be a good alternative if the Medschool doesn't pan out...

I think I am going to go ahead and start working on my Med school application Essay. I am going to go ahead and apply to a limited number of schools in June, see if I get any interviews.  Who knows maybe someone may decide I am worth a deeper look.


the rest of life is moving along I guess.   I dont see my trainer anymore, budget doesnt allow for it.  I am still trying to get into the gym at least 4 times a week though. 

My little one won another scholarship at a dance convention this weekend, was super proud of her.  There competition season starts up in a few weeks, looking forward to seeing them onstage.

I guess that's about it...  For Now

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

What to do next...

So scores where posted today. 

Needless to say the results were less than stellar.  

I actually made a score 1 point lower than the first time. 

Even though I went up 2 points on my Bio section I lost 1 point each on my Physical Science & Verbal sections which happen to be the two sections I ran out of time on.  

Ugh.  So now I need to decide on if I want 

A.  Try test again 
B. Apply with what I have
D. Take a diffenent medical route
E. Resume previous career path. 

 My stomach is starting to hurt just thinking of this. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

mushy brain

My brain is so full of thoughts, fears, worries, decisions, frustrations... everything..    And sometimes  I just want to go to sleep.

so...  this semester is kind of blah so far.

- I have had my first test in both Plant Science & Animal Physiology.   I don't know my Plant Science yet, we just took it a couple days ago, but I am 100% sure there is room for improvement.   I didn't study enough.   I am not a huge fan of the topic so trying to read through and learn 7 chapters and remember the lifecycles and tissue names, and all the other stuff was torture.   I am going to try and study each chapter in detail and enter it into quizlet immedietly after we go over it in class.  Then go back to quizlet a week before the test and review.   Her test are actually pretty fair.  So I think that would be sufficient enough to get an A. 

Animal Phys test was also pretty fair, but he said it was not typical of all his test, and its worth lest.  I ended up being 2 points from an A, so I am going to have to work my butt off for the next tests.


The Animal lab is horrible.  The teacher post like 100 documents and info on blackboard, but does not tell you what to actually use for what.   And when you get to the lab the equiptment doesnt work, and everyone is just running around like chicken's with their heads cut off.

Plant phys lab is more structured and by the book.  So in this class its just about doing all my required reading before lab, completing all the pre-lab stuff, and keeping my lab notebook up to par.  I just have to put in the time.

The bio labs I TA in on tue/thur night are going ok.  I think I just hate being at school till 9pm. 





I still have not started working in the Genomics lab.  I have contacted the guy I am supposed to work with and he keeps blowing me off.   I hate to go to the professor, but I may have to.  I refuse to get halfway through the semester, and he accuses me of not putting any effort to get to work.

I have also not returned to the clinic.   Every Tue/Thur  I am trying to get in some school work in those couple hours before class starts.   M/W/F I am at work during the day, I am going to have to get in more school work in the evening time.   I can see myself falling behind


Every now and again... I think about hanging up my med school aspirations at the end of the semester.

I got an email from oldpremeds.com  they are having another conference.  I have been to 2 of them and they are always very informational and motivational.   This one is going to be in DC.  I looked at the prices and I could get down there & stay for 3 days for about 600 bucks. ( plus tax & food).  

I think I am going to consider it.   I may wait until after I get my scores back  and decide then.

Back to the books...



Monday, January 27, 2014

Void


So before my MCAT last week, I was considering not taking the test, because I was not ready for it.   But I felt if I did not take it I would not realize the full impact on my lack of time commitment to study to my fullest potential.   So then I decided I would take the test, but void it so the bad score would not show on my record.   However after spending 4 hours taking that test I decided I really wanted to know how I did so I did not void the test.    So now I have to wait 30-45 days to know how much damage was done.

I don't really know how I felt about the test.   There were a few things that I was like, I don't remember the exact rules or formula so I did not have the confidence in my choice.   I also ran out of time on the Physical Science and the Verbal reasoning sections so I had to guess on about 20 questions.   

It is a horrible test, I am sure if I would have spent more time taking AAMC test I would have been able to feel more comfortable on guessing what I may have missed or gotten right.

I am glad its over,  I don't really have much confidence that I will not have to take it again in June.   I am just glad I get a little bit of a breather.   And I kind of feel like my class load this year will allow me to put in the necessary work required to get it a good amount of practice.  

I am still working on finding a second or third job.   So far the part time job at the tax office is going to only get me about 20 hours a week, I have put in a few applications at medical places that have evening hours. I am going to give them a week or two to hear back, and then if not I will go ahead an apply for a waitress/server job at Applebee's and The Movie Tavern.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

WTH!!!!

So I was going to wait until 1/25/14 to make a post, because it was going to be my one year mark and I would be past my MCAT.   But as I sit here in the library thinking WTF did I do to my life I decided why not just write it now...


So many things have gone through my mind in the last few weeks I do not know where to start or what exactly to say.

So I think I left off in my last post where I was doing 6-7 hours a day studying for the MCAT and all seemed well...  until I got sick.  I had some some allergic reaction or stress reaction and got a horrible case of the hives all over my body.  I could not barely stand to have on clothes, and I was taking 3 Benadryl every 4 hours and Zyrtec at night.  Around the 3rd day my face began to swell and I had trouble breathing.   So I end up going to the urgent care and spending 250 bucks on seeing a doctor for 36 seconds, getting a steroid shot, and 5 day oral steroid treatment.  Finally by the sixth day I was hive free, with only minor itching.   Unfortunately I lost six days of study, working out, and the first week of class.

After that total waste of life force I found myself one week away from an exam I am not ready for, extremely broke, and thinking why in the hell was I not just be happy for what little success at my old career I had and live the rest of my life like everyone else and find a freaking hobby...

Once again I found myself back on my old jobs "career" website thinking "hey, at least you tried."  But then I am like really...  did you try?   I mean I am still letting this test and finances drive my decisions.   But as much as I want to think they can be over come they are important.  So far I lack the discipline to commit to the required amount of studying to pass this test, and the bills keep coming and the money does not.

       ----- ** ------   so I had to stop writing to go to class, now 5 hours later ----- ** ------ 

Ok, so as with most post if I have to stop mid post to do something else and then return I loose the momentum and have a hard time finishing on the same note as I started. 

But I will try.  Bottom line.  I have once again allowed myself to be defeated by myself.  I failed to commit the required amount of time to truly prepare for this test, and I did not push it back.   Second spent too much time unemployed, I should have stayed at that scribe job until I found another one so now I have depleted my savings. 

I have choices I need to make.

1.  Quit now, apply for a jobs in my old field and hope I can get a job
  ---  Benfits
      => I can pay bills
      => my daughter gets to stay at same school, same dance studio, and keep the same number of      activities
      => I may be motivated to do more there and grow within, or find a hobby and nurture something outside of work

---  Consequences / Pitfalls /F'ed up things
     => the feeling of personal failure
     => having to face family and friends that ask, " so are you a doctor now?"
         --- 10X as worse if I go back to work for the same company in my area
     => I will still probably hate my job, but I will have zero 401K and $8,000 more student loans

2.  Keep on the same track  " trying to get into med school"
      by Retaking MCAT & finding a couple of more part time jobs to stay afloat

---  Benefits
     =>  I wont be a big A$$ quitter
     => I will challange myself and experience a career I think I can enjoy and do well in
     =>  after a while there is good earning potential

--- Challanges
     => I am going to have to work a couple of more jobs, maybe waitresing  on the weekend
     => may have to scale back on my little ones dance and other non-necessities ( not many left)
    => may require moving to a new place
    => may need to move into a one bedroom, or find a roommate ( not an easy thing when you have children)
     => I still have to beat this FREAKING MCAT. 

 3.  Switch my focus to Physician Assistant (PA) or Nurse Practitioner (NP) program

--- Benefits
      =>  If i can get into a direct-entry MSN program, which is a program for people who already hold a non-nursing degree,  it is a masters level program so I can get financial aid and after 16 months I will have BNS so I can work as a Nurse part time and make a decent income, while I work toward my MSN then NP.
      =>  the PA program is only 3 years and then I can start working, I will have fewer loans and enter the work force sooner.
       =>   I will still be in the medical field, and I would not totally be giving up my dreams


--- Challenges / Drawbacks
 =>   I really wanted that in depth training that came with MD/DO, the NP/PA is accelerated and shortened, and you don't have that intern/residency training to solidify and work out the kinks and build in that practical layer that I think I would like to have.

=> There is only 1 direct entry MSN program in Texas and its in Austin, so even if I did get into one, I would have to move which means a lot of change for my little one.

=> PA programs are extremely competitive and prefer for you to have prior medical experience.  And I think they kind of look down on those who changed from pre-med to PA, you have to hide it very well or explain very well why you did it. ( Not an absolute truth, just from what I have heard from those who have been through it) . And alot of those who originally aspired to be MDs are not happy with their PA. ( I have met a few of those)

=> Application deadline is in September and I would still need to study for and take the GRE and Anatomy and Physiology I & II over the summer, and find a PA to shadow and get an LOR


As of right now, I am 100% sure I am not going to quit mid semester.  I do very well in my classes, and enjoy learning the content.  And to quit and leave the semester unfinished would be just plain stupid.  And if I finish the semester, then I may as well finish the BS in Bio because I will only need pre-cal and calculus to complete the degree.   I basically just need to find a way to get in front of my finances and get this semester done.   I may be able to use my high score guarantee to take another MCAT prep course,  and just try again.  If not the MCAT I can study for GRE and do the PA/NP applications.

I don't think I ready to go back to my old life quite yet, I just need to find a decent paying job, and after the semester is finished I will have more flexibility which will open me up to seeking higher paying jobs. 

I just have to hold out.

Ok, I still have some daylight left. I am thinking I can try some high yield questions.  Oh I forgot I am also considering not sitting for my exam.  It would be a MAJOR waste of 275$, but if I do worse on it then I did the first time, that is going to look really really bad on my applications.

my brain hurts...  Im out..