I have to deal with some issue or situation and I feel like the best way to address it is to go one way. But then in the next moment I become concerned with all the consequences of that decision and try to find the alternative. Then before you know it no decision has been made yet the problems still there.
Prime example this major stay or go life choice of trying for med school.
I was pretty firm in my decision and approach for the first 1.5 yr of this. But once the $$ problems started I begin to doubt and fear and immediately retreat.
***And Everytime I resign myself to gracefully bowing out something makes me think if I just hang in there a little longer it will all work out. Whether it be talking with friends, reading someone else's journey, or listening to my own regret. So I go off and apply for 15 more entry level healthcare related jobs with the intention of staying the course.
Example a few days ago I applied to work for careflight ground crew, and they sent an email saying my application passed the first step and to go take some questionnaire. So automatically it's like awesome there is some potential and I'm like it's all going to work out ***
Then I get a call , text, or reminder of the one of the many bills that are due and will not get paid in the near future. And next thing you know I'm emailing contacts at my old company asking about jobs!!!
That's my freaking life right now. I am frustrated trying to find places with wi-Fi and a decent study atmosphere without using up extra gas!
I am really starting to understand how some women marry men they are not physically attracted to but takes good care of them!
You can't survive in this world without resources and that drives most peoples daily decisions.
Every few days I find myself thinking. I can just go back to the industry work my way to the top. Try for executive leadership and just find my joy outside of work. People do that all the time.
Yes quitting my dream will suck. Yes I will never want to go to a hospital or doctors office agian. And I will avoid every medical drama on TV because they will be painful reminders that I gave up.
And yes I will grow tired of all the people who knew my journey asking what happened and saying well at least you tried.
But the bills will be paid, Jordyn will get to stay in dance and take summer dance class (next summer), I will have a place to live, I will not be afraid my car is about to be repossessed I will have wi-Fi. And I won't feel like a big whiney cry baby always blabbing about my freaking problems. I am a problem solver but I can't make resources and jobs appear so I feel like the only way I know how to solve the problem is to go back to what I know.
Also if were in already in med school I would be more willing to look for alternatives. But I'm not even sure I am going to get in. It's hard and competive and I'm about 60% sure I'm not going to make it in to my local school.
Ugh I'm over it!
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