Whats new?

1.  Got an A in A&P.
2. Had interview with St. George's SOM that went well.
3. I let my job know that I will be leaving by summer's end.
4. Got acceptance letter from St George today.
5. Its not for direct entry into the medical school, its for the foundation program which is Aug - Dec prep program with guaranteed entry into the January 2016 med school if you maintain a 3.5 with no Cs.
6. My daughter cried when I told her about it, (not in a good way)
7. Since it is a certificate program, it requires private loans, for which I was denied without a cosigner.

thats' it.

Not much new going on.

Getting ready for finals in A&P.

Still at the daytime job.

Still sitting at the crossroads of life wondering which way to go.

Have Skype interview with St. George tomorrow.

I think I mentioned before that they are offering me an interview for their one semester pre-prep program with guaranteed entry if I make a 3.5 or better.

That news kind of punched me in the gut, because it does not really bode well for my chances here in the states.

To be honest if it were not for the cost and location I would be super happy with the idea, because I have a chance to prove I can handle the workload and processing the content.

But an additional 26,000 bucks and 6 additional months in the St. George for my kid sounds hard to swallow.

I wish Mcat scores were back.  It would kind of help a little bit.  If I make below the mideline on either of the 4 sections (especially chemistry).  I think I would just give up on med school and apply PA and/or go back to work, or take the foreign med school. 

I found this post on Mothers in Medicine today...
Would I do it Again

basically this doc is finishing up surgery residence after leaving the financial industry.  She loves her job and patients,  but is not really sure if it was all worth it.

I don't really know what I am doing with that information now, just more stuff in my box of stuff.
I think our scenarios are a bit different because of my age, my kids age, and my family life.   But still its just stuff in my stuff.

I was thinking the other day, what happened to me?  Why am I entertaining these thoughts.  Of course finances are the big driver in my fears, but I think not getting into that master's program last year really tore a titanic sized hole in my reslove.

Going back to working a full time job, and trying to do little tidbits to pull the pieces together for a possibility of "maybe" an acceptance is ruff.  And seeing SOOOO many people have to result to an alternative, and working with Docs, who say Dont Do it...  Wow... 

Applications are open.  And as I put in my grades from 20 years ago, and think of how people will be using them to judge me, no matter how hard I have put in work recently.  Its just scary and stress full.

When I go and look at apartments that are in my budget and it takes me back to my childhood when things were really tough for my mom. Its scary and stressful.

I am ready for something good and awesome.  I am ready for something that builds me up.  I am ready for something that is an uplifting tangible step toward success.

I am on my very last piece of resolve.  The absolute last piece.   What does that mean?  Where am I going?  What am I doing?  What am I supposed to do? What am I doing to my kid?  What am I doing to myself?  How are my choices altering my future?  Where is my joy?  Have I ever had it?  Will I know what it looks/feel like when it happens?  Will one choice or the other actually bring me the happiness/fulfillment that I think is actually out there. Is happiness/fulfillment/success something that is even attainable for me?

                            I DO NOT know and not knowing IS killing me.