Monday, March 25, 2013

Good Day...

Feeling a little bit like Ice Cube today...  It was a good day.

My shift went well, had a very nice doc.

I submitted my little one's Joffery audition today and we got an accept email today.  So that was pretty cool, now I just need to figure out which program(s) I can afford to put her in.   Oh how I wish I had infinite resources.. LOL

Ok, I think that's it for now. :)

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Sleep evades me!!!!

Argh!!! Can't go to sleep its almost 4am and I am to get my lil one up for school in 2 hrs and get my butt to the gym. I worked all 4-2/6-4/9-7. Shifts last week and I think it has jacked up my sleep schedule, I want to sleep in all day now.

So since I'm up decided to update.

Work is ok, I had a nice, funny doc my last shift and he had transport pager so he spent 38% of shift taking calls, so it was not one of my harder shifts, he gives PEX in the room so that was a skill I hadn't quit used as much lately but it got better throughout the night. But he was also very clear in his direction and communication, which is not a luxury you always get.


They finally put out schedule of classes. I I have planned to take
Biostats
Evolution and Ecology
Brain and behavior.

But since I am a re-admit I am the last to get to register so I hope they are still available when my time comes up.

My MCAT studying was going ok for fist day or two but, I have fallen off and my brother is in town for the rest of week, so I know I probably will fall off worse.

Not a lot else to update on. It looks like we are going to get Jordyn's audition tape done on Sunday after competition. I really hope she can get a spot and if she is lucky a minor scholarship that way I can afford 2 weeks instead of one. :).

But we shall see, we will be submitting at the very end of the deadline.

That's all I got, going to try and see if I can read myself to sleep.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Rough Day(s)

Just feeling a bit defeated today.

Work
 My shift was not as smooth as I would have liked.  I worked with a new doc of course, and I just could not get on track with their flow.   We also had a lot of high level patients so that's always a bit of a challenge.  I just feel like sometimes its just hard to get that communication line open.  I am toe sensitive, I need to be more assertive, but I want to not irritate or offend.   Ugghhh... I don't know... just a ruff day.  Also these multiple overnight shifts are really throwing off my game.  I end up sleeping most of the day, and not really being productive.  I just started laundry at 5:13 am, so I can make sure Jordyn's uniform tops are dry by tomorrow night for me to iron them..

School
Summer and Fall schedule of classes  is finally out,  looks like I am going to try and get into Biostatistics and Evolution for the summer.
For fall Immunology, Biochemistry, Genomics, and Brain and Behavior.

I am going to be basically taking all science courses, for the rest of the plan. It is going to be a lot of work , to maintain A's in the courses, especially with the scribe job.  I am going to have to Kill it, which is also why I need to get this MCAT finished.


The Plan
I don't know here, I may need to re-evaluate what needs to happen.  I am concerned about the age of my pre-reqs when I apply.  I need to order another MSAR ( Medical School Admissions Requirements) book to check the latest age limits on pre-reqs.  I thought it was 7, but a doc mentioned today it was 5. I may end up having to take them all over again, which would REALLY REALLY suck.  If I do I am going for a formal post-back.

Also emailed a Pre-med consultant, and she was not very optimistic.  But I am not going to turn around now based on that.   I will still go full force with another attempt.  I just need to make sure I make all the right steps.

Officially starting my Mcat program Monday.

I am feeling kind of stressed

My rugrat
She got accepted into the fine arts school she auditioned for.
I am trying to get her into a Joffrey dance intensive they are having close to us, but we missed all the in-person auditions and a video audition is due on April 1st.   Have a few emails out, but no one is available till next weekend which leaves only a week to get the routine recorded and submitted.   I am thinking about just saying never mind but I think she could learn a lot. Also I would like to get her into something while I still have a little savings left.  

life..
just a bit stressed out. Things are already bumpy and I have only been at it a month or two.  I don't feel like quitting.  I just feel unjustified for my actions.  

Especially when others ask am I loving my new job, and how things are going.  I want to say awesome, great positive things.  But in reality its ruff.  The new job is still a challenge, I have not started classes, and I don't know that what I have planned there is the best course of action.  And since I decided not to cash out the full 401K I am concerned about my finances.  I am not working a lot of hours at the new job, and I have looked at a few professional part time jobs, that will have a higher salary, but they require a more steady schedule.  Its a bit of a challenge to get a steady schedule with the scribing, and I will be starting classes in the summer that will definitely impact my availability, and I still have Jordyn to take care of.

Like I said.. just not feeling accomplished right now, more challenges than victories right now.


I'm not giving up.  I WILL survive.  This is only the bottom of the mountain, I still have some more hills to climb.   I WILL MAKE IT, I will look back on these days and be like... Girl you thought it was ruff then.. LOL..

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Without Title

So... I couldn't think of a title today, my mind is kind of going in a  few different ways...  SO I decided to not force it to choose one. :)

School -
Summer schedule of classes is still not up, and I still don't know what is going to happen with financial aid.   so really no change here

Work -
WOW.... 
1.  I have had some really good solo shifts.  My last 2 where with a REALLY cool doctor. She is new to my hospital, but has been practicing for a bit. She is total Cray Cray...  in a good way.  She makes me laugh, is very cool, and after our shift ended this morning she told me I could Scribe for her anytime!!!...  She also gave me a fist bump at the beginning of the shift when she found out I was her scribe for the night.  That really made me feel good.

I also found out at least 3 of the docs are single moms!!!  that was very encouraging.

2. I found out 2 of the students in my scribeU class, who both happen to be sitting on either side of me in training are no longer scribes O-O   I was like OMG... that's cray cray.  I was sorry to hear that, they were both really nice, but I guess when the trainer said there are people that don't pass training, or don't last as scribes she meant it.

I know I am not totally out of the woods yet.  I have not worked with some of the more fast paced docs, yet so I still have to watch my growth, and speed.

But I am feeling more confident in my abilities.

"The Plan"

still mostly on track.  I am supposed to start my official MCAT study plan on Monday, but I have to travel out of town to go help my brother out, after I get off work Monday morning, and then come back that night, before my shift Tuesday morning. So I really don't see any studying getting done on Monday.  But I will try and do double time after my shift on Tuesday.  Also I am off on Wed/Thur so I will try and make sure I am caught up then.

My Rug rat -

She is doing well, they are on Spring Break now,  so she gets a break from school kind of, she still has homework over spring break, but not a super bunch.

Also I need to get her an audition tape together.  I just found out this weekend that Joffrey Ballet school is having an intensive here in our area, but we have missed all the state auditions, but we can still send in a video audition.  I am going to try and get the lady who helped with her school auditions to see if they can help make a video.

Life -
 Not a lot going on here,  kind of battling some feelings.  I have had a couple of dreams about asking my old boss to get some part time work.   I think the change is starting to become more apparent.  The different schedule, the needing to study.   Before everything was just easy and laid out, and predictable.  I worked my M-F 40-50 hours, got my pay check, paid my bills, did Jordyns stuff, read a bunch a books, and just waited for the next week to come.

Now I work random hours, I have a mountain load of material to study, just to get into a very hard program.  I have to depend on my mom for help, I have to balance resources and wants vs. needs.  Its not the easy, predictable life it was.  And the truly hard work, has not even really started.

Also I got some family needing some support 2 hours away and I don't have the time and financial support I had before, so I am trying to find the best way to work that situation.

So long story short, change is hard, and I think I am just going through some adjustment anxiety.

I still don't regret my choice, I know I can still make it happen.

I am going to try and sneak in one more book reading for pleasure, before I am only studying.  My lil one is with grandma, and I don't have work till 9pm tonight so I am going to read for the rest of the day.




Thursday, March 7, 2013

Just a note

So I figure after complaining in my last couple of post I have to take a few minutes to say my first 2 solo shifts went really well. It was still pretty busy, but I was moving through the chart a lot quicker, anticipating better, and I worked with some pretty nice doctors.

Now I am by no means bragging or claiming success. I still have a lot more growth and improvement to go but I am very glad to have made it through my first two solo shifts without jacking anything up too bad. :)

I have overnight shifts this weekend, I am still working on managing my sleep patterns and other duties when I rotate between day and night shifts.

I have also started to look for some part-time professional jobs to help supplement income. I figure since we get our schedule for the month and I am averaging a couple weekdays off per week I can find something for a couple days a week for a few hours.

I have also plotted my official MCAT study plan to start next week. I am pushing for 2-3 hrs a day 6 days a week for 10 weeks. I am planning on taking it 3rd week in May.

I am also strongly considering a visit with a Pre-med advising counselor. Not at the school but a private one. There is a lady that is always at the Oldpremed.org conferences who specializes in Non-traditional applicants. The only thing is those services can be pretty expensive. Her one time 2hr service is $700. But if you compare it to all the cost of the rest of applying to med school it's only a small percentage. I don't know yet, but being a re-applicant I want to make sure I am covering all the bases.

Since I am starting my studying full-time next week I decided to take some time to read a book. I have not read one since I left work. I really miss it so I started reading Ever After Book 11 in The Rachel Morgan series by Kim Harrison. It's not my favorites series but I think it will be nice to enjoy a good book. As a matter of fact I was reading while waiting for my rugrat to get out of dance, but I didn't charge my iPad at home so I have no more battery so I decided to do some blogging on my phone. Unfortunately that really didn't take as much time as I hoped I still have another hour to wait.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

hmm... ok

So...

I decided to stop in a put something down... many thoughts been running through my head.

First I was sick for the past few days... and that really kicked my butt.  I had plans for my first 3 or 4 days off in a row, but that n/v/d had me broken down to my knees ready to cry.

But I am happy to report... I am back on my feet, and even able to get some house work out of the way.  Even put away some "stuff" from my old job that has been sitting in my living room for a month.

I guess to keep this from being an endless rant, I will use my qualifiers, to help guide my musings.. :)

School -
So I am a bit too lazy to close to go look at my blog from last week to see what I wrote, so if I am being redundant I apologize.

So on the school front. It looks like I may not be eligible for financial aid this year, which really has me thinking.   My original intent for trying to finish out a BS in Bio was to get some A's in some additional science course, and  make some relationships with professors for a possible LOR.  But if I am going to have to drop 12,000 dollars of my minimal savings is it worth it?

I have a BS already, and my pre-reqs which basically is all that is required for application to Med school. 

So if I don't get BS in Bio.. what would I do?   Good Question.

I could take Anatomy and Physiology and make A's and try to meet a professor somewhere along the way,  that would give me all the requirements to apply to PA school if that becomes a strong consideration, and some good grades for GP. 

I would also spend the time I would be focusing on taking the classes into just MCAT prep, and possibly accelerate my schedule.   Instead of applying next May, I could apply this June.   That would give me four months to take MCAT.   The risk there is the only thing that would have changed with my application would be the MCAT and the Scribe job, which I will only have had for a few months prior to application.  

So I am not sure if it is worth the risk.

But let me end this for now until I get into plan section.. ( that is the one challenge about having "sections" it can become limiting.

In conclusion for "school" section there are a few things that are kind of up in the air.  It really depends on if I will be eligible for aid this year.

Work -
Once again, not sure exactly what I wrote last time. I have my first solo shift tomorrow,  It has been a bit of a challenge for me.  I am really hoping it starts to come together for me.

I am starting to stress a little.  

The evil spirit of doubt has started to stream into my thoughts, making me think I should go ahead and give up now, while the damage is not to great.     But I refuse to be defected by the evil spirit of condemnation.    I took this journey because I wanted something different for myself.  I knew it would not be easy, but I knew that I wanted it.    SO take that DOUBT... you can kiss my butt!!!


"The Plan"
As I mentioned above in the school section, I am playing around with the idea of accelerating the application from May 2014 to summer 2013.

For a couple reason..
1.  MONEY... the almighty dollar.  This minimum wage job, is only paying about 35% of my existing expenses.  And with a daughter with chronic asthma and allergies, I had to go ahead and get medical insurance,  and dental. And that is 2 weeks paycheck by itself.  Not to mention her dance and the rest of the "stuff" we got going on.    I plan to start looking at some part time technical work, that maybe pays a bit more that I could apply for based off my current degree and background.   If I could find something 2 days a week, that would at least help with car payment and light bill that would be awesome.  Also my rugrat's dance.  There is still a lot of money to be paid in that arena, and  that was one of the main things I did not want to take away from her. She is very good at it, and has potential.

2.  Getting it done.  I just want to get started already.  I think "struggling" with a potential goal in mind vs.  "struggling"  while working on a particular goal.   I cant be having this fear and doubt always on my back.  There are always other things, that we have to turn down, or not have, and I don't want to be like, well if I just go back to work, or if I just don't do this this I wouldn't have to worry about it.

My Rug rat -
she can be so frustrating at times.  So fricking lazy... I don't know what's going on with her.  I really hope it is an age thing.  Because I cant stand too much more of it.  The moment something becomes a challenges or she has to think or try hard she just doesn't want to do it.  

And when I am going over homework, and she has missed something and I tell her to go fix them, she gets all huffy and attitudiy!!!  I just want to knock her out..  I mean seriously... What did you think was going to happen.  I am just going to check it and anything that is wrong, I am just going to let you keep it that way...  

I just don't comprehend her, it drives me freaking crazy...  as a kid I tried hard, and I wish I had someone to check my work, and help me when I didn't understand something...  I am afraid she spends to much time around my mother who is VERY quick to give up when something isn't just laid out for her.

She is at the kitchen table huffin' and puffin' now because I have sent her back to correct something AGAIN...  There is no HALF A$$in here... and that is not going to change.. And you would think that the sooner she  gets that through her head , the easier life would be... 

I don't really know how to break this without breaking her butt...   It drives me crazy and is VERY VERY stressful.   Its very hard to do it all by myself, I have to be the bad person, the provider, the nurturer, the responsible one.   When you gotta do all that its hard to fit in the fun person, or the easygoing, its going to be ok person.   And I know its my fault, but SOB it doesn't make it easier.  ARGGGHHH....  She stresses me out... and he is ONLY 10 years old...  WTH...

ok.. lets leave this topic, before I get to frustrated...

Life -
Argg... again.  Outside of trying to deal with the stuff above, there is not much "life" happening for me now.  No fun things or easy going things for me at this time.  
I am going to miss the 5K I signed up for because I have to work.    I think once I found that out I stopped training for the run.  I would still go to the gym, but I stopped getting on the treadmill.   Did I mention I HATE the treadmill!!!  I HATE running!!!  I FREAKING HATE RUNNING...  argh...

There has to be something positive and uplifting to throw up in this area...

hmmm not really...  we are trying out a new church.  Its ok I guess.  I basically am just really focusing on going for J, so she can get a foundation in making good choices, and being a good person, and not being so self centered.  I sometimes feel like I have "heard it all".  But I try to make sure I go into each service with an open mind and heart.   I consider myself to be spiritual with a personal relationship with God.  I guess where I differ is on the level of interaction of the divine in our regular life.   Its sometimes a challenge to believe he would watch over lil' Jimmy's soccer team, while little Tommy on the other side of town is starving and being abused by his foster parents.  Anyway I guess that's a personal issue I got going on within my own personal beliefs. But J should still be able to get the basics and make up her own mind from there.


Ok... I have enough, and probably more than I should have... but whateves... its out there now.. :)


"No one is afraid to say 'I love you', were all just afraid of the response"  ~ not sure