hmm... ok

So...

I decided to stop in a put something down... many thoughts been running through my head.

First I was sick for the past few days... and that really kicked my butt.  I had plans for my first 3 or 4 days off in a row, but that n/v/d had me broken down to my knees ready to cry.

But I am happy to report... I am back on my feet, and even able to get some house work out of the way.  Even put away some "stuff" from my old job that has been sitting in my living room for a month.

I guess to keep this from being an endless rant, I will use my qualifiers, to help guide my musings.. :)

School -
So I am a bit too lazy to close to go look at my blog from last week to see what I wrote, so if I am being redundant I apologize.

So on the school front. It looks like I may not be eligible for financial aid this year, which really has me thinking.   My original intent for trying to finish out a BS in Bio was to get some A's in some additional science course, and  make some relationships with professors for a possible LOR.  But if I am going to have to drop 12,000 dollars of my minimal savings is it worth it?

I have a BS already, and my pre-reqs which basically is all that is required for application to Med school. 

So if I don't get BS in Bio.. what would I do?   Good Question.

I could take Anatomy and Physiology and make A's and try to meet a professor somewhere along the way,  that would give me all the requirements to apply to PA school if that becomes a strong consideration, and some good grades for GP. 

I would also spend the time I would be focusing on taking the classes into just MCAT prep, and possibly accelerate my schedule.   Instead of applying next May, I could apply this June.   That would give me four months to take MCAT.   The risk there is the only thing that would have changed with my application would be the MCAT and the Scribe job, which I will only have had for a few months prior to application.  

So I am not sure if it is worth the risk.

But let me end this for now until I get into plan section.. ( that is the one challenge about having "sections" it can become limiting.

In conclusion for "school" section there are a few things that are kind of up in the air.  It really depends on if I will be eligible for aid this year.

Work -
Once again, not sure exactly what I wrote last time. I have my first solo shift tomorrow,  It has been a bit of a challenge for me.  I am really hoping it starts to come together for me.

I am starting to stress a little.  

The evil spirit of doubt has started to stream into my thoughts, making me think I should go ahead and give up now, while the damage is not to great.     But I refuse to be defected by the evil spirit of condemnation.    I took this journey because I wanted something different for myself.  I knew it would not be easy, but I knew that I wanted it.    SO take that DOUBT... you can kiss my butt!!!


"The Plan"
As I mentioned above in the school section, I am playing around with the idea of accelerating the application from May 2014 to summer 2013.

For a couple reason..
1.  MONEY... the almighty dollar.  This minimum wage job, is only paying about 35% of my existing expenses.  And with a daughter with chronic asthma and allergies, I had to go ahead and get medical insurance,  and dental. And that is 2 weeks paycheck by itself.  Not to mention her dance and the rest of the "stuff" we got going on.    I plan to start looking at some part time technical work, that maybe pays a bit more that I could apply for based off my current degree and background.   If I could find something 2 days a week, that would at least help with car payment and light bill that would be awesome.  Also my rugrat's dance.  There is still a lot of money to be paid in that arena, and  that was one of the main things I did not want to take away from her. She is very good at it, and has potential.

2.  Getting it done.  I just want to get started already.  I think "struggling" with a potential goal in mind vs.  "struggling"  while working on a particular goal.   I cant be having this fear and doubt always on my back.  There are always other things, that we have to turn down, or not have, and I don't want to be like, well if I just go back to work, or if I just don't do this this I wouldn't have to worry about it.

My Rug rat -
she can be so frustrating at times.  So fricking lazy... I don't know what's going on with her.  I really hope it is an age thing.  Because I cant stand too much more of it.  The moment something becomes a challenges or she has to think or try hard she just doesn't want to do it.  

And when I am going over homework, and she has missed something and I tell her to go fix them, she gets all huffy and attitudiy!!!  I just want to knock her out..  I mean seriously... What did you think was going to happen.  I am just going to check it and anything that is wrong, I am just going to let you keep it that way...  

I just don't comprehend her, it drives me freaking crazy...  as a kid I tried hard, and I wish I had someone to check my work, and help me when I didn't understand something...  I am afraid she spends to much time around my mother who is VERY quick to give up when something isn't just laid out for her.

She is at the kitchen table huffin' and puffin' now because I have sent her back to correct something AGAIN...  There is no HALF A$$in here... and that is not going to change.. And you would think that the sooner she  gets that through her head , the easier life would be... 

I don't really know how to break this without breaking her butt...   It drives me crazy and is VERY VERY stressful.   Its very hard to do it all by myself, I have to be the bad person, the provider, the nurturer, the responsible one.   When you gotta do all that its hard to fit in the fun person, or the easygoing, its going to be ok person.   And I know its my fault, but SOB it doesn't make it easier.  ARGGGHHH....  She stresses me out... and he is ONLY 10 years old...  WTH...

ok.. lets leave this topic, before I get to frustrated...

Life -
Argg... again.  Outside of trying to deal with the stuff above, there is not much "life" happening for me now.  No fun things or easy going things for me at this time.  
I am going to miss the 5K I signed up for because I have to work.    I think once I found that out I stopped training for the run.  I would still go to the gym, but I stopped getting on the treadmill.   Did I mention I HATE the treadmill!!!  I HATE running!!!  I FREAKING HATE RUNNING...  argh...

There has to be something positive and uplifting to throw up in this area...

hmmm not really...  we are trying out a new church.  Its ok I guess.  I basically am just really focusing on going for J, so she can get a foundation in making good choices, and being a good person, and not being so self centered.  I sometimes feel like I have "heard it all".  But I try to make sure I go into each service with an open mind and heart.   I consider myself to be spiritual with a personal relationship with God.  I guess where I differ is on the level of interaction of the divine in our regular life.   Its sometimes a challenge to believe he would watch over lil' Jimmy's soccer team, while little Tommy on the other side of town is starving and being abused by his foster parents.  Anyway I guess that's a personal issue I got going on within my own personal beliefs. But J should still be able to get the basics and make up her own mind from there.


Ok... I have enough, and probably more than I should have... but whateves... its out there now.. :)


"No one is afraid to say 'I love you', were all just afraid of the response"  ~ not sure