Fear

As I sit here and look over my post I notice they have become more defeated/negative.  That's not the direction I intended for my thoughts. 

For the month that I put the dream of Medschool out of my mind I just lived and went through my days. 

However now that I start to think about it again I feel fear. 

Fear that I am giving up because it's gotten hard. 

Fear that I am missing out on conquering a major task that I gave up so much to achieve 

Fear that I am teaching my daughter to give up when things are hard.  

I also fear 

That I am trying for something that is unattainable for me

Fear that I will never find happiness, peace or love 

I fight with these two halves of my life constantly.   For most of my life I never felt like I fit in to one particular place.  I had characteristics that worked in different groups big never all the necessary ones for one group.  And as an adult I'm still in that place.  

I spent a little time today saying a prayer asking for clarity, direction, anything to help. 

I even tried to meditate , didn't go so well but I did spend a few quite minutes trying to clear my mind.  

This has been such a crazy journey for me.  I have felt so many emotions and somehow I don't feel closer to any goal. 

The one 40+med student blog I read seem to rely on her faith and positive mindset to get her through her challenges and i really want to do that. 

Unfortunately it's very hard to pay the bills with faith and positive thinking.   They work wonders for inter termoil or doubt and perseverence but finace requires a bit more. 

But I still want to incorporate more faith and positive thinking in my days, maybe it will open my mind up to something I have not seen. 

I hope anyone who happens to read this can find peace in their "Right Now" don't waste time with so much fear and stress.  Find your peace and make your choices based of that peace and be confident things will fall into place. 

Found a good photo on Facebook I want to try and work toward this mindset.