Its been a while

So its been a bit since I jotted down some thoughts...

mainly because I have not been feeling very positive for a bit, I don't really want to document negative thoughts, unless there is some type of lesson in it for me to grow from.  Also not a lot has changed, and I don't want to be redundant.

onto the notes

school... 
  honestly I am a bit over this semester.  Plant science has not gotten any more interesting, and her test only get worse.   The lab is ok, we only have about 2-3 weeks left and I cant wait.  I am ready to not be at school till 9pm twice a week.

I have not registered for any summer classes or anything.

I still have not heard back from the post-bacc program.  They have been sending out acceptances and declines for the past couple of Fridays.  I have not been denied yet, so I guess that is a good thing, but the waiting is stressing me out.

work... 
  I ended up not completing my training for the restaurant.  The few days I was there, I had to ask for help with Jordyn more than I cared to, and I was studying a freaking menu and I had a dang plant science test I needed to study for...   So I gave up... I should have started during the Christmas break  or something... 

My part time job at the tax place ends next week, and I have applied to a few jobs, even a job at my old place.. (more on that later).  But I am a little scared about applying because I don't know if I will get into that program.  If I get in, I cant work or if I do it has to be only a few hours.

I also started a new personal assistant/errand type job where I prep meals, clean up, and run errand for a lady.  So far so good... I thought about trying to get a couple of those to carry me through but I want to spend a few weeks doing this to see how I am at it, and I need to finish with my current daytime job, and tue/thur class to free up more time.

the plan...
  so this is mainly the same for the most part.  
Still getting through class,
still waiting to hear back from the post back

trying to decided if and when, I will take additional steps for the alternative paths... 
like GRE & AP to open me up for MSN or PA.

general thoughts...
  I am little scared, for the past week or 2, I have not wanted to study, and I cant wait for lab to be finished and this semester to be over with. So I think if I feel that way now how can I commit to 4 more years of learning...

I even got to the point to where I applied for a couple of jobs at my old place.

I don't know if I want to give up, or if I feel like I am ultimatly going to fail so I may as well position myself to just go back to doing what I know I can do...

I think financial stress and denying things for myself and my daughter that I didn't have to do before are also adding stress to me... Stressing about things getting cut off, and having to ask for extensions is a place I always worked very hard to stay away from.  

Also being around other professional adults that can do things I cant, and have things I cant hurts a bit, and I don't mean to sound shallow or stupid. Its just when they all want to take the kids to dinner after dance, or eat out at competitions, I hate having to make excuses why J and/or I cant go, and sometimes I do end up going therefore spending money I don't have... And I know I should not try to compete or be like others... etc but that does not make it easier in the moment.  So I find myslef trying to stay away from the other parents as much as possible.

I had dinner over a friends house for the first time a few days ago, and I LOVED her place, it was the perfect house for me and my daughter, and she does well for herself and she is around the same bracket I used to be in...

So I find myself thinking... I didnt hate that place that much... (kind of), yea.. I wanted to be a doctor but maybe that shipped sailed, maybe I was not one, because I wasnt able to work hard enough to be one...

I don't know...   I am not giving up yet... I think once I hear from the post-bacc program I can make more clear decisions...

If i get in --> attend, kick ass, take that DANG MCAT one more time... apply to as many medschools as I can afford in August

If I don't get in --->
option a:  try to get back on at old place, and apply to other places in my old field, get a hobby and make the most of that career

option b:  try to get a job at old place, or similar place,  study for MCAT, retake, and apply in august

option c: try to get in at old place or similar,  study for GRE, take A&P @ community college,  try for PA or MSN program...

ok... gotta get to bed..