Bipolar

I sometimes think I am bipolar or at least my life is.  

I have to deal with some issue or situation and I feel like the best way to address it is to go one way.   But then in the next moment I become concerned with all the consequences of that decision and try to find the alternative. Then before you know it no decision has been made yet the problems still there.  

Prime example this major stay or go life choice of trying for med school. 

I was pretty firm in my decision and approach for the first 1.5 yr of this.  But once the $$ problems started I begin to doubt and fear and immediately retreat.  

***And Everytime I resign myself to gracefully bowing out something makes me think if I just hang in there a little longer it will all work out.  Whether it be talking with friends, reading someone else's journey,  or listening to my own regret.   So I go off and apply for 15 more entry level healthcare related jobs with the intention of staying the course. 

Example a few days ago I applied to work for careflight ground crew, and they sent an email saying my application passed the first step and to go take some questionnaire.  So automatically it's like awesome there is some potential and I'm like it's all going to work out ***

Then I get a call , text, or reminder of the one of the many bills that are due and will not get paid in the near future.   And next thing you know I'm emailing contacts at my old company asking about jobs!!!

That's my freaking life right now.  I am frustrated trying to find places with wi-Fi and a decent study atmosphere without using up extra gas! 

I am really starting to understand how some women marry men they are not physically attracted to but takes good care of them!

You can't survive in this world without resources and that drives most peoples daily decisions.  

Every few days I find myself thinking.  I can just go back to the industry work my way to the top. Try for executive leadership and just find my joy outside of work.  People do that all the time.  

Yes quitting my dream will suck.  Yes I will never want to go to a hospital or doctors office agian.  And I will avoid every medical drama on TV because they will be painful reminders that I gave up.  

And yes I will grow tired of all the people who knew my journey asking what happened and saying well at least you tried.  

But the bills will be paid, Jordyn will get to stay in dance and take summer dance class (next summer), I will have a place to live, I will not be afraid my car is about to be repossessed I will have wi-Fi.  And I won't feel like a big whiney cry baby always blabbing about my freaking problems.   I am a problem solver but I can't make resources and jobs appear so I feel like the only way I know how to solve the problem is to go back to what I know. 

Also if were in already in med school I would be more willing to look for alternatives.   But I'm not even sure I am going to get in.  It's hard and competive and I'm about 60% sure I'm not going to make it in to my local school. 

Ugh I'm over it! 

How to read the signs.

I find myself wondering more often then not "is this a sign?" 

The personal/financial challenges are they a sign I need to stop this silly dream and be responsible and work a decent job and provide for my kid?

Or

Is it an obstacle/struggle that people that take be risk to do what the want or love have to withstand and conquer to be successfull. 

I have read a few stories about some successful people who had to live out is their cars, or with 5 orther people in a studio to make their dream come true. 

I have no idea what my struggles mean. Nor do I know what to do. What is the "right" decision.  I wish I could talk to someone who is where I am now.  

Any who. - quick update

Work - still looking have started applying for full time jobs.   I am still afraid to call contacts at my old place for 2 reasons

1.  I'm still convinced I am going to re-apply to med school and if I get in I don't want to have to resign again I think that's unfair. 

2.  I think going back to the similar area would mean a nail in the coffin for my dream I would give up and just ride out the rest of my life and try to make the  most of it. (Not a bad life, but then everything for the past 1.5 years would have been for naught) 

Praying something comes around soon. 

School- nothing much here, not a lot of progress on the research front.  I'm not a super fan of the guy I'm working with, he is nice but doesn't actually teach me anything.  He just ask me what I have when I seen him.  It's very frustrating. 

The plan - I have not been able to attend that MCAT class (no Internet) and there is no public library close that stays open that late and I have to pick up Jordyn from dance in the middle of class. 

I also have not studied.  I think I am letting this financial struggle de-rail everything else.    May be some form of self-fulfilling profacy.  I let myself fail at my goal forcing me to think my only true direction is to return from where I came.   Or maybe I am afraid of failing or something.  Who the hell knows!!!

Life -  see above!!! - kind of sucking right now.  But I have been going to the gym as regularly as I can. I think that has helped a lot with the stress.   

Hopefully soon I can actually list an accomplishment here.  Sometning that's worth my path to & through medical school blog.  Because now it seems like a bunch of whining. 

That or  bid it farewell because I have put the dream to rest.   

I just need one light, one sparkle to help glimpse the path the direction to take and I will start running toward it. 

No title yet.

Finally got all moved out Monday morning,  had way more stuff than I thought. Took about 8 bags to goodwill and threw away about 10-15 bags of crap, took some to a friends and still end up getting a storage unit, but I don't want to start completely over when I move.  

My plan did not completely finish on track. 

Monday was a bit of a bust. I was still moving into the morning, then had to shower and head to work.  So I have not did the test question plan or the research article stuff.    Had to come straight home after work because Jordyn was sick and stayed home from school. 

But I did get all my utilities canceled and mail transferred, can't transfer my internet because they don't have Uverse in this area so that kind of sucks. 

Another hitch in my plan is jobs.  I don't think I can do a part-time job. I really need health insurance. As I mentioned a moment ago Jordyn was pretty sick and then this morning she passed out in the restroom while brushing her teeth.   She has done this multiple times before when she gets sick and dehydrated she wakes up in the morning with low blood sugar and certain things just don't want to work right.   I didn't take her to this hospital because I know the drill just eat and drink a little something and she is fine.  I even sent her to school because she was better. But if it would have been a worse scenario I would not have been able to take her to her doctor , but would have had to end up taking her to the ER for visit that cost more than my car that I would be paying on for the next 5 years. 

Anywho back to the plan.  

Going to take my lap top with me and just go to library after my work until it's time to pick Jordyn up. She has show at school tonight so we are going to stay on that side of town until after the show. 

At the library going to fill out some apps and review one article.  She wants to go to her ballet class after the show so I will sit at the studio and get in some studying then. 

Wheels keep turning..

So as I sit here looking for jobs, look at all this crap I need to pack, looking at open MCAT books.

My mind wont be still.

1.  I am 98% sure I am not ready to just give up

2. I'm torn between getting a 8-5 in non-science/med field making as much money as I can until its time to re-apply

 or. 

getting into a med/science type job. that pays way less, but will look better on the application and has more flexible work hours to allow me to continue to study for this test and to finish up my research work for publication.

I think option one is the easier one once I find a job, but I hate to do all that and then quit on them when its time to head off to medical school. because its going to happen DANG IT,  I will be entering someones medical school in August 2015 Dadgummit...

Option 2 will be the best for getting in somewhere, but the hardest financially.  I think I am going to look into getting a CNA certification, but that's going to mean money.  I want to try and get a PCT or Multi-skilled job in a hospital, where I can work like 3 days a week (12 hour)  get enough to pay some small bills and put some money away.   I will keep my cleaning job, and maybe try and pick up one more.   Its just going to be hard at first because I still need to find a job while getting CNA.

So I may have to do some hybrid of Option 1 and 2, get a non-science job, while getting CNA, then just try to get a PRN hospital job on nights and weekends.   This will still strain me for studying & finishing my research but it is doable.

I think these larger corporations take to long to get back with you.  I may just go with a temp place now find a placement and go with that.   I am going to wait until Monday though.  I need to get moved out first.

Plan
(Today - Saturday)
1a.  Go by U-haul and get some boxes
1. Start getting rid of stuff
2. Pack up the stuff I can keep ( thanks to my AWESOME lifelong friend I have a place to put a few things)
3. Call Salvation Army for the big stuff beds, washer/dryer, couch, table
4. Take clothes to goodwill , we only wear about 60% of whats in the drawers and closet
5.  Deny all stress and worry while watching my daughter show on Saturday evening

Sunday
1. clean up place & turn in keys
2. go to Starbucks (or somewhere with Wi-fi) and fill out job applications

Monday

2. Go to the library after the Gym and put together a MCAT practice problem plan ( only focusing on going through problems this time)
3. Get at least 2 articles reviewed and noted for my Research project
4. Start on my personal statement

Update on school.

So final grades were posted for the spring
Got 2 A's and 2 B's .  So upset with myself I wanted All A's, but such is life. 
I have kind of put the calculus class in the back of my mind for now.  Maybe after I get into a grove, I can think about it again, and find a way to get it done before September, so I can finish my BS in Biology.

The Kido

She has been doing better in school and behavior.  I decided against taking away her extra ballet class that she was invited to.  However she wont be getting her point shoes until the summer which had a dual benefit,  ( punishment & saving me money). 

I am really hoping I get a job soon, so I can get her in a few summer dance camps.  She needs the exercise and something to keep her busy.   I am hoping to be out of my moms apartment within a month, becasue the 3 of us in a 1 bedroom apt is a disaster waiting to happen even worse there is no cable or w-ifi lord help me :). 

Work

Well most of this was covered above.   I also still have my house care job & and I work about 10 hours a week at a daycare for now.

Life

personally, on Monday & Tuesday I was one revolver away from calling it quits!  And of course looking back that sounds way over dramatic, but it was a big blow and I hate talking about my failures to people so I was kind of holding it all in.   But I chatted a bit and cried a bit and that opened up my mind.

I spent a lot of my childhood poor and anytime I have to look that potential in the face I just cant handle it.   Which is what kept me in my previous job for as long as it did.  But I have options they may not be easy or attractive right now but they are there.

also on a more positive note I have increased my working out to at least 4 - 5 times a week and do at least an hour of cardio every visit, and weights every other visit.  I have lost like 10 lbs ,  also eating less but still not optimal.  I want to keep up the working out even through all this stress...  Its going to be a challenge, but not one I want to loose. 

It is time for me to start conquering the HARD SHIT!!!

This blog has gotten way more personal than I had intended in the past few months, but I think it helps that I write it down, and I can have it to go back to.

Ok time to get ready for work.

After the tears...

So after finally shedding a few tears about not getting into the program, and having to move out of my apartment in 3 days I had time to think.   My initial response was to apply to as many professional jobs as I could. ( like 10 so far).  

However... As I sent an email to a former co-worker to get the email of my previous director, I had a minute to think.  I don't want to go back just yet, if there is a chance. 

. I still want to finish this application cycle.   I may just apply strictly DO schools, I am going to see if make a list of the ones that don't require a DO LOR. (my letter is from an MD) and apply for them this cycle. I may have a better chance with my 3.4 GPA than in Texas schools.


There is still a lot of work to do with this route.

I still need to work on my personal statement ( another thing I don't want to do)

I need to get at LEAST a 9 on all my sections (take 1000 of practice test)


My biggest challenge (another one) is going to be in 6 months when my student loans come up for payment.  Since I did not get into the program, I wont be in school full-time.  And throwing a couple of part-time jobs together will notdo

I think I am still going to apply to a decent paying job because I need to save up money for the deposit, applications, moving cost, and car payment.

this also will most definitely mean I will have to move, because the Texas DO school is just as hard to get into as most other Texas schools.  But I will deal with that if/when I get to it.

this week is going to be a bit ruff, but I will try my best not to loose my focus on my goal. 

Now What?

So I got my rejection letter from the program yesterday.  Its so frustrating that it took so long to get the word,  I thought I had a chance especially since I did everything that they said I needed to improve my chances of getting in.

Now I feel like such an idiot.  I had a decent job I could pay for all my kids stuff.  Yea I was unfulfilled and wanted to go after this, but it wasn't like i was a 20 something single person.   I am a 30 something single parent of a middle school kid.

And even though this program was only one of the options I considered it was the best one to help the transition.  To still be a good mom and go after what I want.

Now trying to look over this MCAT stuff is just stressing me out.  I cant even focus on it.

I don't want to give up , but I cant afford this journey anymore.  

I tried to get out of my head today and think about my alternatives, but they all come with their own set of roadblocks

PA school : need AP I & II & GRE would have to pay out of pocket, will still have to move

Nursing -> NP :  need AP & GRE (out of pocket) may have something on line, but specialty is limited

Caribbean : the kid

I applied to a couple of systems engineering jobs yesterday, and I am thinking I have probably messed myself off going back there, because they are going to be like.. So why did you leave?  What did you do?   Nothing like telling them you tried a new career and failed.  They are going to wonder how long will you actually be committed to them.  Or that your incompetent.

Even if I were to get a call today for an interview, it does not really help my immediate situation.  I need to be out of my apt in a week, and I going to see if my mom is interested in taking over my car lease since hers is pretty old.   After that I am just going to try and keep from stabbing myself in the eye for F-in up my life so badly, then hopefully at the bottom I can clear my head and of course any decision made at that point is better than than doing nothing and staying there.

FML!

Last Final of the semester...

I took my last final today.   I was hoping for an A, but it didn't workout.  The frustrating part is this teacher usually has to give 2 - 4 points each test because people find mistakes in their test , but since its the final you don't get to see it and the grades get turned in tomorrow morning.

O well it is what it is.  I still don't know my final grade, but when I calculate it with the lab I am getting like an 89.3...  :(

Had my plant science final on Tuesday, if my calculations are correct then I will get a B in there also.  This B I am very ok with it, that class was dreadful, and the test worse. 

I am glad they are over....

Still no freaking word on that program.  I went ahead and gave them a call today and she said my file still has not been reviewed.  Its so frustrating I understand their conundrum with number of apps and bad weather and such... But  people move from all over the place, and have to find ways to make the move, or plan for alternatives if they don't get in.  1 or 2 weeks is hard to manage.  Something else I cant really do anything about.

On another note, right before I go to take my final today I get an email that my child got in trouble at school today, I am so over this crap with her also...

She was supposed to start pointe this summer, got invited to the older girls class and everything.  I want her to do good, and grow, but she just wont work with me.  I really hate to take this away from her, but much is sacrificed to give her this opportunity that she does not seem to appreciate. 

She doesn't realize, that dance is the main thing keeping her here in this country.  I am so close to sending in my application for the University Health and Medical Science school in St. Kitts.  My main reason that I do not is her.  I keep rolling around in my head deciding if she lived with mom, would my mom be able to keep up with all the things she has to do, or should I just take her with me away from her dance & performing arts school.   I kind of think she needs to go with out to appreciate what she has.  The stress with that is, dance like any major sport these days is pretty competitive.   If she stops now she will loose ground, and be less competitive when she finally returns to dance, and possibly loosing her chance at college scholarships... 

How does a person keep pushing up hill toward things that seem so out of reach?

I know its not fair to complain when there are people all over the country that are hungry, hurt, alone, brutalized and other horrible things.  So I will end complaints here.  So for now I will continue to fight!

Piss in my cheerios...

Ugh... so another Friday and no word... A bit frustrated  I have so much riding on this... It has just really put a damper on my week. People have been being accepted and rejected all week.  For a while it helped that at least I have not been rejected, but now not even that is helping. I am just ready to know one way or the other.

On top of that I just feel really crappy, and I don't get to sit home and just get through it.  I have to work both nights at my daughters ballet, and then we have competition this weekend. Meaning I have to be around other people all Freaking Weekend...  I don't get to sit home and study for finals, and just get through it.

Another level of frustration is my child is still pissing me off, after all my reprimanding and everything she still decided to miss turning at least one assignment at least once a week.   So frustrating.

And last but not least, I am trying so hard to eat right.  And now in this very stressful time I cant eat things that make me feel better.

I just want to say F it all and just walk away until the soles of my shoes come off and I just fade into the ground...  But I don't get that option.  Just have to keep banging my head against the wall.

Not a good few days...  I really need something to change for the better soon or I am going to be on the street knee deep in pizza and vodka thinking FML!!!