Bad Day :(

So I had a bad day today....   and I wasn't sure if I should post , but the  purpose of me creating this blog  was to document my journey so I can appreciate it.   

update: while writing this I decided to throw in some solutions or alternatives instead of just complaints. ( in purple text) 

Disclaimer: for anyone that reads below I am basically just going to complain, also please ignore spelling and grammatical errors.  I don't have energy to look for them and update.


So on my way home from training today I cried a bit.  My feeling of despair had progressively gotten worse through out the day starting this morning.

Complaint 1

I cant say it was one particular thing, but a combinations of things.

So I am in scribe training, Thursday - Monday 8:30 to 5. We were provided with information to study a few days before class.  We were told to be ready for multiple quizzes and mock interviews to be tested on.  The first being noon on the second day and about 2 each day after that.

   So far I am 4 test in with 92/89/93.5/84.5.  With a minimum of 80 percent on all test to be considered "passing"  I am on track.   BUT I am disappointed in myself.  There were things on each test that I should have known but missed.  Also there was some conflicting information on the last graded HPI that I should not have missed.

Also I am not a super fan of our lead trainer, she is a bit of a smart A$$ and I kind of feel like she does not like me. ( I know I am not a child, and this should  not matter but it pisses me off, because I am usually a pretty likable person).  Also some of the trainers are a bit curt and  a lot of the students are young and are just in a different "way" than me. 

And I KNOW I KNOW,  that none of this stuff maters and that I am going to be around people who are that way at work and at school, but I guess right now I just want to complain about it.

ACTION: keep studying hard, and not care what anyone has to say or how they treat me because this is MY JOURNEY and I will make it regardless of those around me.  ITS DO OR DIE for me and I am definitely going to be the one to do the "Doing"

Complaint 2
Also my 1 free pair of scrubs is too big, and the lady gave me a chance to request another size, but they seemed ok at the time, because I was probably just excited to get them.  I was going to go buy a pair today ( with new matching tennis shoes, but I didn't want to leave my laptop in the car, and I let my depression get the best of me.

ACTION: Buy me a new pair tomorrow, also a girl at training told me about a site called www.allheart.com where you can get scrubs for super cheep.  Although it wont help me for the rest of the weekend, it will be beneficial for when my shifts start. Also may get me some new shoes that match so I can feel better about myself. :)

Complaint 3
Also on my way from training, I gave my mom a call to find out how Jordyn's Monologue practice went today, but Jordyn answered and was only giving me one word generic answers so that kind of pissed me off.. so I just got off the phone..

ACTION: Remember she is a child and it is not fair to her let my stress flow to her. A lesson to be reminded of on a daily bases no matter what "MY" current "problem" is.

Complaint 4
Also... I have already jacked up my 5K training, I have missed 3 days since I started this class I didn't get up early to go run, and I didn't go when I got out of training because I chose to study.  NOT blaming training, only myself!!!

ACTION: Since its so early in my 5K training, and I have been unsuccessful at this in the past by putting to much pressure on myself and giving up when I wasn't doing as well as I thought I should, I am just going to wait until after Scribe training is over. I will have two weeks of no work or school, that is an optimal time to get in the habit of making progress on my running goals having success to hang my hat on and give me a reason to continue pushing toward it. 

Complaint 5
Also I got cost and deposit information for next years tuition for Jordyn's school, and I have to turn that in by 2/15  and I am kind of stressed out about what to do there.  I want her to get into the performing arts school for convenience, cost, and her potential in that area.  But I am going to miss the rigor, standards, flexibility, opportunity, and private structure of her current school.  And I just feel like a HORRIBLE person for taking that away from her.  I AM NOT saying children can not get quality educations from public or charter schools. I  am only saying, she did well where she was, and I agree with their model and success rates, and I feel like in choosing this path I am taking that away from her.  And yes, I did consider that prior to leaving my job, but it wasn't enough to make me stay there.  

ACTION: Fill out the info, pay the deposit and make the final decision in writing before 3/31. I am told the performing arts school lets parents know before end of March so that will help me in my decision making (kind of). 

Complaint 6
also I will get my final check next week and wont start working at my other job for 2 more weeks, so that's stressful.

I admit I am very concerned about my budget, I wasn't really able to eliminate many things from the budget.  I am already living a bit modestly if I moved to anywhere cheaper I would have to bars on my windows.  I also fear expensive car troubles, or medical needs, passing away and not having life insurance or any financial thing that may come up.  Don't get me wrong I grew up poor and know all about it. I guess I just have not had to consider some things in a while. 

ACTION: Starting next week I am going to look into health coverage for Jordyn at least Private, or maybe a reduced state option, also I am going to start life insurance policy for myself incase something happens to me. I am also going to spend some time really looking at my budget and how I am going to make this work. I had some models in my mind before I sent in my resignation, now I need to look at implementing a plan.  

Complaint 7
also I think this is one of the times I hate being single.  I sometimes wish I just had someone to talk to or chill out with.  I just didn't want to be at home by myself tonight.

ACTION: not really a lot I can do here...  this is a complicated matter for me

I think OMG, you are only 1 month into your journey and you already have issues... YES I do, and that's ok...

Even with all these feeling of failure/stress I got going on. 
I DO NOT regret leaving my job
I DO NOT regret taking scribe training
I DO NOT regret going after medical school

I just wish I was better, stronger, smarter, more lovable, more consistent, more awesome.  A better mom, a better daughter, loved, active, committed, taller, smaller... all that STUFF.. 

I'm just feeling inadequate right now.

So after adding my "Actions" I feel a little bit better, but I think I am just going to spend a couple of hours watching some stuff on the DVR, have a drink, and then maybe study a bit later.
 
LIFE GOES ON.. and I have more than myself to consider when I think about it not...
 
~~~"If at first you don't succeed, try reading the instructions"