WTH!!!!

So I was going to wait until 1/25/14 to make a post, because it was going to be my one year mark and I would be past my MCAT.   But as I sit here in the library thinking WTF did I do to my life I decided why not just write it now...


So many things have gone through my mind in the last few weeks I do not know where to start or what exactly to say.

So I think I left off in my last post where I was doing 6-7 hours a day studying for the MCAT and all seemed well...  until I got sick.  I had some some allergic reaction or stress reaction and got a horrible case of the hives all over my body.  I could not barely stand to have on clothes, and I was taking 3 Benadryl every 4 hours and Zyrtec at night.  Around the 3rd day my face began to swell and I had trouble breathing.   So I end up going to the urgent care and spending 250 bucks on seeing a doctor for 36 seconds, getting a steroid shot, and 5 day oral steroid treatment.  Finally by the sixth day I was hive free, with only minor itching.   Unfortunately I lost six days of study, working out, and the first week of class.

After that total waste of life force I found myself one week away from an exam I am not ready for, extremely broke, and thinking why in the hell was I not just be happy for what little success at my old career I had and live the rest of my life like everyone else and find a freaking hobby...

Once again I found myself back on my old jobs "career" website thinking "hey, at least you tried."  But then I am like really...  did you try?   I mean I am still letting this test and finances drive my decisions.   But as much as I want to think they can be over come they are important.  So far I lack the discipline to commit to the required amount of studying to pass this test, and the bills keep coming and the money does not.

       ----- ** ------   so I had to stop writing to go to class, now 5 hours later ----- ** ------ 

Ok, so as with most post if I have to stop mid post to do something else and then return I loose the momentum and have a hard time finishing on the same note as I started. 

But I will try.  Bottom line.  I have once again allowed myself to be defeated by myself.  I failed to commit the required amount of time to truly prepare for this test, and I did not push it back.   Second spent too much time unemployed, I should have stayed at that scribe job until I found another one so now I have depleted my savings. 

I have choices I need to make.

1.  Quit now, apply for a jobs in my old field and hope I can get a job
  ---  Benfits
      => I can pay bills
      => my daughter gets to stay at same school, same dance studio, and keep the same number of      activities
      => I may be motivated to do more there and grow within, or find a hobby and nurture something outside of work

---  Consequences / Pitfalls /F'ed up things
     => the feeling of personal failure
     => having to face family and friends that ask, " so are you a doctor now?"
         --- 10X as worse if I go back to work for the same company in my area
     => I will still probably hate my job, but I will have zero 401K and $8,000 more student loans

2.  Keep on the same track  " trying to get into med school"
      by Retaking MCAT & finding a couple of more part time jobs to stay afloat

---  Benefits
     =>  I wont be a big A$$ quitter
     => I will challange myself and experience a career I think I can enjoy and do well in
     =>  after a while there is good earning potential

--- Challanges
     => I am going to have to work a couple of more jobs, maybe waitresing  on the weekend
     => may have to scale back on my little ones dance and other non-necessities ( not many left)
    => may require moving to a new place
    => may need to move into a one bedroom, or find a roommate ( not an easy thing when you have children)
     => I still have to beat this FREAKING MCAT. 

 3.  Switch my focus to Physician Assistant (PA) or Nurse Practitioner (NP) program

--- Benefits
      =>  If i can get into a direct-entry MSN program, which is a program for people who already hold a non-nursing degree,  it is a masters level program so I can get financial aid and after 16 months I will have BNS so I can work as a Nurse part time and make a decent income, while I work toward my MSN then NP.
      =>  the PA program is only 3 years and then I can start working, I will have fewer loans and enter the work force sooner.
       =>   I will still be in the medical field, and I would not totally be giving up my dreams


--- Challenges / Drawbacks
 =>   I really wanted that in depth training that came with MD/DO, the NP/PA is accelerated and shortened, and you don't have that intern/residency training to solidify and work out the kinks and build in that practical layer that I think I would like to have.

=> There is only 1 direct entry MSN program in Texas and its in Austin, so even if I did get into one, I would have to move which means a lot of change for my little one.

=> PA programs are extremely competitive and prefer for you to have prior medical experience.  And I think they kind of look down on those who changed from pre-med to PA, you have to hide it very well or explain very well why you did it. ( Not an absolute truth, just from what I have heard from those who have been through it) . And alot of those who originally aspired to be MDs are not happy with their PA. ( I have met a few of those)

=> Application deadline is in September and I would still need to study for and take the GRE and Anatomy and Physiology I & II over the summer, and find a PA to shadow and get an LOR


As of right now, I am 100% sure I am not going to quit mid semester.  I do very well in my classes, and enjoy learning the content.  And to quit and leave the semester unfinished would be just plain stupid.  And if I finish the semester, then I may as well finish the BS in Bio because I will only need pre-cal and calculus to complete the degree.   I basically just need to find a way to get in front of my finances and get this semester done.   I may be able to use my high score guarantee to take another MCAT prep course,  and just try again.  If not the MCAT I can study for GRE and do the PA/NP applications.

I don't think I ready to go back to my old life quite yet, I just need to find a decent paying job, and after the semester is finished I will have more flexibility which will open me up to seeking higher paying jobs. 

I just have to hold out.

Ok, I still have some daylight left. I am thinking I can try some high yield questions.  Oh I forgot I am also considering not sitting for my exam.  It would be a MAJOR waste of 275$, but if I do worse on it then I did the first time, that is going to look really really bad on my applications.

my brain hurts...  Im out..