Well that ends that.

So I declined the Scribe job.  Now I will have to wait for an interview somewhere else. 

I think in the back of my mind I know the minute I sit down at a desk I'm done.  I won't try this again. 

I thought about volunteering when I can and studying for the MCAT on evenings and weekend and possibly applying next cycle.   But the further I get away from it the harder it is to return. 

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at income over the next 5 -9 years @ former salary and modest annual increases compared to cost off attendece ( tuition + COL) at a moderatly priced med school, + interest on existing loans.  

I would leave residency (3-4yr) with around 800,000$ in lost income and 370,000$ in loans.   Now assuming I go into an modest on/gym average @ 150,000 (- tax & insurance ) it wouldn't be difficult to bring that loan number down in 10-15 years with a modest living. 

And the 370,000 amount is with 40,000 for school and 20, 000 for living expenses (avg 9$ per hour for a 40 hr work week)   So as I sit here and stress about a 15$ hour a job how am I going to  get through 4 years of less? On top of the pressure to get my work in, get extra curriculars in and so forth.  If I had no children, or even a younger child or a significant other I would not let these numbers phase me. 

But after the last 6 months of these financial struggles and seeing the potential my little one has at her school and in her craft. 

I am bowing out.  Maybe I will return one day. Who knows.  

Who knows I may hit the lottery tomorrow or get 2 million dollars from a long lost uncle.  

But for now this is goodbye.   

Thank you to anyone who has supported me, encouraged me, stood by me, or just said hi to me.  

May God Bless whatever you have going on on your life and may you reach your ultimate goal.  

****these numbers are VERY Loose based off a rudimentary estimate of a personal look at MY situation*****

Interest or Commitment

I found this image on AsparingMinoritydoc's Blog post and I had to borrow it, because I think it is important

Prayer works... ( I think)

Im back again...

So yesterday I posted about how I prayed for opportunity, clarity, guidance, patience, all of the above..

So between yesterday and today I got 3 phone calls..

1.  recruiter for a potential 6+ month contract job paying about 40$/hr
2.  staffing recruitor from my old job about an interview, and submitting my name for another job
3.  The scribe manger offering me the job that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago...

I sit here with my mind in a blank...

WTH am I supposed to do..?  

Do I take the scirbe job?  keep going after the goal.  put off applying to med school for one year and retake MCAT and take A&P & GRE for possible NP/PA option as an alternative?

Or wait to see if the other jobs will pan out, and just go back to work.

ARGGGHHHH....

With all this good news I should be happy, but I cant see past the confusion.

Getting into med school is hard
Getthing through med school is hard
Getting out of medschool is hard
Finding & completing residencies is hard


Taking a job in my old field is easy...

Not taking the scribe job does not make it impossible to go to medschool... I could still take IT job, and volunteer on the weekends, retake MCAT, and apply next year...  But I am about 65% sure that if I go back to work, especially at the higher end I have a shot at getting,  I will just get comfortable again and not go after it.  ( i think)

I need someone to tell me what to do. 

Fear

As I sit here and look over my post I notice they have become more defeated/negative.  That's not the direction I intended for my thoughts. 

For the month that I put the dream of Medschool out of my mind I just lived and went through my days. 

However now that I start to think about it again I feel fear. 

Fear that I am giving up because it's gotten hard. 

Fear that I am missing out on conquering a major task that I gave up so much to achieve 

Fear that I am teaching my daughter to give up when things are hard.  

I also fear 

That I am trying for something that is unattainable for me

Fear that I will never find happiness, peace or love 

I fight with these two halves of my life constantly.   For most of my life I never felt like I fit in to one particular place.  I had characteristics that worked in different groups big never all the necessary ones for one group.  And as an adult I'm still in that place.  

I spent a little time today saying a prayer asking for clarity, direction, anything to help. 

I even tried to meditate , didn't go so well but I did spend a few quite minutes trying to clear my mind.  

This has been such a crazy journey for me.  I have felt so many emotions and somehow I don't feel closer to any goal. 

The one 40+med student blog I read seem to rely on her faith and positive mindset to get her through her challenges and i really want to do that. 

Unfortunately it's very hard to pay the bills with faith and positive thinking.   They work wonders for inter termoil or doubt and perseverence but finace requires a bit more. 

But I still want to incorporate more faith and positive thinking in my days, maybe it will open my mind up to something I have not seen. 

I hope anyone who happens to read this can find peace in their "Right Now" don't waste time with so much fear and stress.  Find your peace and make your choices based of that peace and be confident things will fall into place. 

Found a good photo on Facebook I want to try and work toward this mindset. 

What happened to that fighting spirit...?

So I have not heard back from the scribe job after my second interview.  I thought it went pretty well, but I guess not.  I emailed the Scribe manager and asked when would they be making a decision but she did not respond back.

I am not exactly sure how I feel about it.  I thought getting that job would be a great opportunity for me.  I was even going to put off applying this year and just work, retake that d*** test again and apply in 2015 with hopefully a major score improvement and more experience with a possible additional LOR.

But it looks like that may not be in the cards.   I have also been applying for IT jobs, got some potential opportunities from some old contacts but still nothing concrete.  I kind of dont want to go back to the same company.  1. because i think its important for me to experience other companies, and maybe see what else is out there.   2. because even if I can not get a scribe I still may re-apply next year and I don't want to quit again ( I would only quit if I got into school)

I kind of thought about applying to a couple of DO schools that may accept my whole application and not just focus on my low MCAT score but I have not for a couple reasons
1.  First and foremost MONEY... i have none
2.  I am still very adverse to moving my kid.   She has had the most amazing year in dance and is in a pretty awesome school. ( same reasons I stop considering the international schools)

I checked out a blog of a 40+ med student, it was pretty interesting,  she ended up going international , but that was 4 years ago, and I am still scared of that option and don't know how I can handle that with my kid.

Unfortunatlly this post does not have much in it that shows i am any closer to a resolution on the rest of my life.

Also I thought about requesting an interview with that post bacc program I didnt get into, I am pretty sure its my MCAT, because I did everything else from my last app review.

I have not looked at my MCAT book for a couple months, and I have done nothing medschool related.  I get depressed and its easier just to ignore it.  I have just been focused on trying to find a source of income.   I still work the 2 part time jobs, but they don't contribute much. 

I tell myself I am just going to find a decent job and work...  make money, pay bills, buy stuff and keep doing that until its time to die.

Lost

So I had an interview for the scribe Job yesterday.  It went well.  Still don't know the potential pay, but they do have health insurance.   Also I would mostly only support one doctor and it's in the immediate area so that's a good selling point.   However she also mentioned that he is a perfectionist and requires someone that can handle his approach ! So that sounds a bit stressful.     I have another interview today with him and the administrator.  

And to make my life more stressful. 

Another mom offered to submit my resume for an auditor position and I got a call from a recruiter for a 1.5 yr contract process improvement position making around 80 a year!  Still requires a second interview and it's about an hour away die where I live. But still there is some benefits and it's a decent pay 

After talking with my brother and getting the interview for the scribe job I thought for sure I should stick to my guns and stay on the healthcare track.   Then I picked up an MCAT book and was like Ugh.  I don't want to look at this.  So I pulled up the PA website and looked at application dates and so forth.   Then went amd looked at salary projection and trends.  60-120,000 was the range for 2012.    And I think to myself that's attainable with my current career without getting more loans and taking more time not working & stressing.  But of course it was also about the type of work and the enjoyment and the possibilities not just the money but as a 35 year old single mother I can't ignore the money!

Also PA is not what I set out to do.  I do think I would love the potential working options like I have a friend who is an NP and basically works 7-12 24 hour shifts a month but makes full-time salary.  And I could always throw in some clinic work once a week to make extra money.  Shit now even Walmart is offering healthcare clinics.  So I know I can make money and provide healthcare and still volunteer in low income clinics and work with expecting mothers so that option would still let me meet some of the goals to some extent. But I would not have left my job for a PA route.  And if I did I would have took all my classes at a community college and not left until I had a freaking acceptance. 

I am still at a flipping loss.   I am lost!!! I don't know what to do.  

1.   I could take the scribe job. 

     A. Study like crazy for MCAT , take it in August submit last minute and hope someone takes pitty on me. 

       Neg--- the scribe job won't really give me much of a boost for this option because I won't have been they long and it's so freaking hard to get into my local schools.  And I can't afford the down payments and cost to move if I got in out of state. 

     B.  I could take AP & study for GRE while working the scribe job and then apply to PA school.  Probably a pretty doable option.  

           Neg--  money and still possibly having to move 

    C.  Work. Make money. Pay bills. Get some more technical training to refresh my coding skill sets  & finish up my last 4 classes in my Software Enginnering degree to move on to higher paying jobs

          Neg-  the possible regret of not doing medicine. Even though it's not bad now, will it return in 2-3 years? 

Another interesting note about the scribe job.  The lady that interviewed me is a former scribe and was going for Medicine , then PA. But then decided just to get her masters in hospital administration because of how competitive the whole thing is.  

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